Herbs & Burns ♤ jojian+maxian ✘

three//hours of sleep

The phrase 'fall from grace' seems too sugarcoated. Plummet from grace seems more accurate. Not that I could relate to the phrase. It's just been on my mind lately. If you don't die a hero you fall from grace. Maybe I need to stop being so bitter, step back for a bit. That was my goal all along, guess I forgot somewhere along the way. I just can't pinpoint where it all started to go wrong. How'd it end up like this? If I could just swallow my pride I could probably fix things. If if if. There's always a 'if'. Why can't I just push myself and do it. That would mean no more 'if's, no more wondering how things could have been. If only I could find the strength to swallow my pride and motive myself to do it. At this point I'm not really sure where I'm going, let alone what I want. I just don't really care what happens, yeah i want to do this and i want to do that, but does it matter? Does anything matter? God, Ian's really rubbed off on me hasn't he. Why do I miss that lovable idiot so much. Well in my heart I know the answer so is it really a question? No, no it's not.

There's a knock on the door, "Fuck off," I mumble.

Theres a faint click of a lock before the door swings open slowly. I blink once, then slowly blink again. Ian is the only one with a key to the house. It couldn't be him though... right? Maybe I'm just hallucinating, maybe it's just some criminal here to rob me. Hell maybe they'll murder me too. My focus turns to the door of my room as it creaks open. A head pokes in before fully opening the door. Gotta be hallucinating, no way that's Ian standing in the doorway. Why am I so pathetic? Why am I running over to him to make sure it's really him? Fuck it, I don't care anymore. I'm going to hug him and refuse to let go. God, it feels so good to have his arms around me. I give in and melt into the hug. I'll say it a million times but I regret what I did. I should've spent so much more time with him, actually acknowledged him more. I need him, I can't deny it, especially when his arms are wrapped around me. He's so gentle but so good at making me know he's not going to let go. How did I forget how much I want him? No, how much I need this.

"Fuck, I've missed you too much," Ian mumbles.

"I've missed you more then you could image, I love-" I start to give in completely.

"Shh, just cuddles, talk later," Ian cuts me off softly.

I just nod and let him walk us to the bed. We lay down, I snuggle up to his chest just like I would always do. His breathing is slow and steady. I have an urge to kiss him, maybe it's just been so long since I've felt his lips. Hesitantly I look up at him to find him staring down at me longingly. It's like he's given up at fighting as he lets me connect our lips softly. The feeling is so foreign, it makes me realize how long it's been. It's been so long since we've had a slow, gentle moment like this. Usually it's rough and fast, just overall lustful. This isn't though, it's caring, not lustful at all. It's just so fucking nice. I forgot how much I love these simple moments. His arms around me, my head on his chest, the quiet steady breathing. So peaceful and calming. I don't want to sleep anymore, I just want this to last forever. Just forget all the bad things and stay like this forever. Why can't I just stay with him forever.

"Ian, please... don't leave," I can't help but ask, hoping his answer will ease my anxiety.

"Then maybe you should get your head out of your ass."

At those words my eyes shoot open, suddenly I'm sitting up in my bed. Frantically I search the room, empty. It was a fucking dream, a fucking nightmare. I'm really that pathetic, aren't I? It was all too perfect to be real. Life doesn't work that way, people don't work that way. Ian would be a fool to come back so easily. I wish he was that foolish but I know he's too smart for that. Or am I just being too hard on myself? God, it's all too much right now. My mind is in a tornado, feelings all jumbled up and no where to go. I just want to bang my head on the wall until it all goes away. FUCK. I'm actually an idiot, how'd I even mange to burn myself? It fucking hurts. How'd I mange to fuck up lighting a smoke? I've done it without looking before just fine. Guess I didn't realize I was even doing it? Sleep, I need sleep before I mange to accidentally hurt myself again. How am I even going to get to sleep though? Let's see, chug alcohol until I pass out, literally knocking myself out, no that's too violent. Maybe just a quick walk or something instead. What time is it even? Forget it I'm just going to lay back down. I'm yawning so that must mean something.

"No more thinking for tonight," I mumble as I clear my bed off.

Just deep breaths and closed eyes. Think about nothing, just darkness. Or sleep, yeah I'll just think about sleep. How do you even do that? Like we all know what it is- or means, but how would you describe it? What is 'thinking about sleep'? Wow, I'm helpless aren't I. Yeah, yeah I am. Gotta make everything all deep and confusing. Well, that's good for music- but that's not the point goddamnit. I just want to sleep, is that too much to ask for? Apparently! Or maybe the world just hates me. I wouldn't be surprised. Now, time to sleep because I'm so fucking exhausted mentally and physically.