Devil's Soul

Chapter 17 (the day that I first felt like a demon)

I'm not sure why I feel so committed to telling you the truth about all the ugly moments in my life, but I do. I guess it's kind of like this nagging urge to come clean. Or maybe I want my story to serve as a warning to you, so you won't make the same mistakes I did. Then again, I'm not so sure that all of my mistakes could have been prevented. Even if I could go back in time and warn myself, would I really have listened and refused the offer to save my mom? I don't think I would have.

So make of this what you will because maybe, in the end, you will still follow in my dreadful footsteps. Saving my mom was only human nature, after all, and everything that followed was only demon nature. I'm afraid that none of it could have been helped.

I think that this mistake that I'm about to describe was one of my defining moments, and I don't mean that in a good way. Even though I'd been a demon for a while, it was the moment that I truly began to feel like one. It was the moment when I caved to my demonic nature. Until that moment, I still considered myself human. A good person, even.

This moment took place in the MIT Student Center, while I was waiting in line at the Mediterranean place to order my falafel wrap. I was sure that I was starving, even though I had only recently eaten a Subway sandwich. My friends had looked I me like I was crazy when I excused myself from our study session to go get a second lunch.

The truth was the party from a couple nights ago hadn't been enough to satiate my newly found...appetite. I had been able to focus relatively well the next day, without the help of Adderall, but my body soon started to alert me that it wasn't satisfied yet. I couldn't seem to eat enough food, and I was sure that my body would continue to rebel until I gathered more soul fragments.

Still, if my attention problem could be fixed with Adderall, my hunger problem could be fixed with food. Desmond hadn't been around to pressure me into stealing souls, so I would deal with this my own way. By stuffing my face.

By the time I was second in line, I really wasn't feeling right. I was shifting nervously from foot to foot, anxious fill my belly with food, in hopes that it would make me feel normal. I lifted my left hand to pull out an eyelash, but caught myself midway. I firmly crossed my arms and tried to concentrate on not picking at myself.

The girl in front of me sure seemed to be taking her time. The cashier had asked her if she wanted anything else with her wrap and cookie, and I saw her eyeing the baklava, which was on display in a glass dome dish.

I also looked at the baklava with desire in my eyes. Except, when I thought about it, I realized that I didn't want the baklava for myself. I wanted the girl in front of me to eat it. No, I needed her to eat it. I needed her to eat it more desperately than I needed to eat a falafel wrap, the idea of which I had been slobbering over only a moment ago.

Without really thinking about what I was doing, I scooted forward, toward the girl. She was too focused on the baklava to notice the crazed need in my eyes. Then, I suddenly composed myself. I leaned onto my elbow on the counter and smiled at the girl. "Erm, hi," I said, managing to undo the cool composure that I'd been going for.

She looked at me, confused, probably wondering why the hell I was talking to her while she was trying to order food.

I pushed forward. "So I saw you eyeing the baklava."

"Do you want it? I don't need it. You can have it if you want." She still looked confused because there were three pieces left in the glass dome.

This was definitely not going well. "No, no, I'm good!" I quickly said, before she made up her mind to not get any. "It's just that you looked like you were having trouble deciding, so I thought I would help you."