Being in a relationship with someone who is never around is one thing. But what if I'm the reason it's hard? I'm the one never around. Long distance isn't easy, but you have all of this new technology that makes it somewhat easier. Skype, Facetime, Snapchat, and all of those that make it easy to see their face, hear their voice at the same time. Not just photos through the mail or a phone call late at night. The person is right there, even if they're 3,000 miles away. It's all 'I miss you' and 'I can't wait to hold you'. 'Someday we'll be together every day.', 'When we move in together, when we get married, we'll see eachother every day'.
It's supposed to be that simple.
I'd move mountains for her, but for some reason, I can't seem to move this one. Nothing either of us do seems to be enough. Weekend flights, holidays, and Facetime isn't enough. She misses me. I miss her. She's told me time and time again that she understands my job and doesn't want to be what keeps me from my dreams, but she IS my dream. None of this means anything without her.
This separation is more than she lets on. Her phone calls have been shorter, her eyes redder when she calls, texts fewer. I know she's separating herself to protect herself, but I don't want to lose her.
Which is why I've taken my three day break in my tour schedule and flown half way around the world to see her for just one day before I have to spend another day on a flight back.
It's late when I arrive at our house. The lights are on in the kitchen and I know she's awake, she's always had trouble sleeping alone. The state of the house shows how she must be feeling in my absence. Her once flourishing garden has overgrown, trash cans half hazardously thrown to the side of the house, garage door wide open and it's a far stretch from the once organized place it used to be. Sports equipment tossed about, bags laying next to the pantry, and the flowers I had sent a few weeks ago were now just an empty vase on top of the deep freezer.
She's not expecting me home, and when we spoke earlier I told her they had added another show and I was going to spend a few days resting. She sighed and told me a friend was coming by and she had to go. I could tell she was upset and wanted me here instead.
I slowly open the garage door into the mud room of the house and I can hear her talking to her friend. One I haven't met, by the sounds of the voice I don't recognize. I hear my name, and stop in my tracks. There's a bench in the mudroom and I sit and wait to hear what shes saying, even though I know I shouldn't eavesdrop on them.
I can smell coffee and hear ceramic connecting to wood on my table. No wonder she can't sleep. She drinks coffee too late in the day and then can't fall asleep. I'm glad her friend is here to keep her company.
"I know you love Niall"
"I know, but I just can't do this on my own. I barely made it through alive the last time. I knew this was always a possibility, but it never dawned on me that it would actually happen, you know? I know it's what Niall wants. Being a stepdad is great, but I know he wants more than that. The kids have school, I have things here I have to be here for. I can't pull him from his tour and his fans, but I need him. I don't know how to do this without him."
"Obviously something about Niall makes this whole long distance marriage thing work, otherwise you wouldn't be so upset." the unknown voice says. "I've never seen you like the way you are with him. Except now since they've added a month onto this tour and you clearly can't go with him."
I can hear her sigh before she starts, "I don't know how to explain it. His general presence just calms me. I could be in the worst mood for whatever reason, and he just is there next to me and it's like none of it matters because he's there.The way he holds me like he's trying to fit all my broken pieces back together, like he's never going to let go, like..he's never going to get to do it again. The way he looks at me like I'm the only person in the world, the most beautiful, important, smart, whatever person in the world."
