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 ized, but I'd like to get it down while it's still fresh on my mind. First, I'll tell you a little bit about myself. I'm a first-year college girl and have led, by most standards, a pretty unspectacular life up to this point. I grew up in an upper-middle class school district with decent teachers. I did track in middle school and some of high school, and I've had two boyfriends. Now, I'm studying for a career in occupational therapy, because I feel the field is undervalued and provides tremendous help to people.
I'm giving you this background because there's this strange misconception that if you want to kill someone then you're either sick in the head or you have anger management issues. But, it's very apparent that I don't fall into either of those categories. It's true that most murder cases are in a domestic setting where someone loses control of their anger or something. But the thing is that those people kill under provocation, whether by a singular outburst or by a slow-burning series of misfortunes. Those people kill because in that brief moment, they want a specific someone, for a specific reason, to be hurt or killed.
What I'm talking about is wanting to kill someone for no specific reason, maybe just to see what it's like. Do you ever get that? I wouldn't know how others feel, because it's not something I ever talked about. But I've been curious about what it's like to kill someone ever since I was a child. Not killing anyone in particular, just a random person. It's always just fascinated me that if I put my mind to it, I can approach anyone, and in five minutes they would be completely gone from this Earth.
But I've never done so for a couple of reasons. First of all, for most of my life it was logistically impossible for me to do it without getting caught. I only got my driver's license a couple years ago, and even then, the preparations would take too much time, definitely stirring suspicion. It was only once I started college that I realized this was no longer an obstacle.
Another reason is that I was afraid of causing harm to too many people. You might laugh reading that, at how hypocritical it sounds. But, let me explain: Why should I feel bad about killing someone if they're too dead to care? Who would I be feeling bad for? Contrarily, it's the grief of the living that I'd rather not be responsible for. Because of this, I knew it would take a good deal of research before finding a suitable person to kill, and I've never had the means to do so - again, until I started college.
And now, having just experienced it, I'd say it was pretty satisfying in the end. Something I would try again? Probably not, since my curiosity has already been satisfied. It really wouldn't be the same a second time.
But anyway, if by any chance you're also curious to kill someone, then you're welcome to take notes. :)
***
I started a hobby of people-watching soon after I entered college. People-watching is interesting to me because it's taking one of the infinite extras in your life and turning them into a main character - without them knowing, of course. It's so easy to forget that every single one of the hundreds of strangers you pass every day has a life story as deep and complex as your own. One thing I noticed about people-watching, and wanting to kill someone, is that you are in more constant awareness of this. When I find a person to observe, their story slowly becomes more clear to me over time, gaps being filled - it really is amazing.
