Dear Diary

Entry One

Wow it hurts. You'd never think it would by just looking at it, but it does. Not as bad as I make out to be, but it does still hurt. I wonder if it does for everyone.

Pain is only your brain telling you that something is wrong. So if nothing went wrong in your life, would you still feel pain?

Everything hurts at one point or another. For me it's usually just my head and legs, feet, arms, face, ok I guess I hurt a lot.

I hurt mentally as well.

There are scars in my memory, huge gashes that make me shudder when I look back at them. A shaking of a bed, the smell of alcohol, the taste of blood, the wrong man's voice, touches, glances. All of these things hurt me. None of them are really that bad, but they're are some that I could either go to jail for, or send someone there.

People laughing, missing out, hights, inclosed spaces, getting something wrong, being forgotten, left out, harm, my mom, sex, life, spiders, fire, crying children, old people, starvation, eating to much, being mocked, bullying, falling, flying, hatred, not being accepted, chasing, being chased by dogs.

I only have a few encounters with him. He hurt my mother, scared my body, killed my mind, trapped my brother in the bathroom, drank to much.

I never throw up.

I hate everything about myself.

To many people freak me out.

I like music, drowning out noises of other people, life.

It hurts to close my eyes sometimes, most times actually. It feels like i've overstretched them or something. More of a pang of tiredness than ture pain.

I'm not a good sleeper. I barely sleep as it is. It's hard to find a place of peace, it's mostly a stupid thing, but my mind's never quiet. Things keep talking in my mind, it gets me annoyed and it wont shutup. It's not like I have MPD, but i do talk to myself a lot. I need someone to keep my company.

I shake sometimes. Almost to the point where I'm convulsing. It's weird, when i sit late at night, usually around three, I rock back and forth without thinking.

Not a lot of people hear the cries, but I do. They come in the night usually when i'm half awake.

One time, when I was listening to my mind it said "your real, you know that right?"

I talk to my house. We have full on conversations. It's the only thing that truly knows who I really am.

I believe in ghosts, spells-ish, i know that things aren't truly real.

I'm not real, I don't believe I am.

Sometimes death feels good.

I don't understand right and wrong.

Floating seems cool, like losing yourself in pain. Again I know what pain is, but not really, we don't need it. There is no I in we and no us in them and no me in you and no I in myself and I don't really exist.

Falling hurts my stomach.

Going backwards hurts my head.

I don't like when my dad drives.

Silence hurts my ears.

I hate being trapped.

Hang me upside down.

What does it sound like to have blood rushing in your ears?

I'm not human, by any standards i'm in-human.

Believing in yourself is stupid.

Hatred hurts my eyes.

Killing is bad for your health.

Don't look at me.

Don't talk to me.

Please don't let me be heard, no one's listening anyway.

I'm fine.

Don't let me fall asleep.

I hate closed doors.

The sound of people walking gives me anxiety.

Life gives me anxiety.

I like being in the woods alone.

I hate being outside at night.

It's fun to jump of cliffs.

I've never broken a bone.

I'm lonely most of the time.

I never want to have sex.

Friends are stupid. They create drama and hurt each other. I need new friends. I only have two good ones. One I liked for five months and one i'm currently courting. Yeah I know that coutling is weird but we haven't gone on a date yet and it's just me giving her presents.

If i'm neither gender, but I like every gender am I still gay? I'm president of GSA at my school. I know that's kind of lame to talk about but it's true.

Authers Note: 

If this gets twenty views or a lot of comments I might update.