Breaking Free

Part 1

 It was a rainy December day and everyone at university left except for me. I usually stay over winter breaks to work for some extra cash in my pocket. At the athletics apartment on campus where I spend the majority of my day I look outside and see cold-hearted raindrops crash into the ground. The rain reminds me of my guilt and shame I have acquired over these past few years. But this time I won't let next year be terrible and I won't be defined by the one I am thinking of....because I am YearWalking.

I arrive back to my dorm and see three missed text messages from Parker. The messages read "hey, how is break?", "do you want to get coffee when you get back home?", and "do you still have my sweater at your place?". I sigh and put the phone down. Parker and I have been in an on and off relationship for over two years and this year is about to be the third. I guess I stayed with Parker because I feel as if I have made so much progress no matter how negative or positive, I do not want to start over. Needless to say, I ignored all of Parker's messages and dozed off into a nap.

I had a peculiar dream that I often have involving Parker and they're off with a different love interest. Usually, they are people who are a lower status and aren't as attractive as me. When I wake up it hurts because it felt so real. Imagine someone leaving you for someone or something with significantly less quality.

When I woke up, I got up and wrote about my dream in my journal. I typically do not re-read my old entries since they are depressing and bring up traumatic events. I should burn them all away, but I like harnessing the power I have when I keep my secrets to myself locked away in an old drawer. I look at my phone again and Parker messaged me a couple of more times. They've been super clingy lately and having someone follow you around like a puppy isn't really a turn on. Therefore I ignore their messages for a second time.

Tap, tap, tap there is a knock at my door. I gently open it to peek through and it is Riley. One of Parker's friends from elementary school and seems to check up on me every time I ignore Parker for twenty-four hours "Sam!" they start "Have you been okay? I haven't seen you at work". I look at their brunette shoulder-length hair "Sam!" I snap out of admiring their aesthetic. "Sorry, uh-huh I am just going through some things......" Riley looks at me waiting for me to finish a sentence I never planned on finishing and turns their head. "Oh alright....I need to tell you something about Parker...."

I allowed them inside and they take a seat at my study desk as they drop their bag to the floor I haven't swept in months. "Parker is a bit sick. I care about them and I hope you don't leave them at their worst". I think for a moment...how is parker sick? "What is it?" I reply "I don't know...just something serious. They've been in hospitals and they won't let me visit them. I'd know you'd be an exception though...." Riley pauses for a moment and continues "I know Parker...they were always that friend who got what they wanted when they were younger and always had anger issues. They know what they love but just does not know how to express it appropriately. Parker has high lows and downs and can turn violent and manipulative at times. I am not saying it's alright to do so...especially since what they did to you last year, but you mean so much to them --" "Yea I get it." I interrupt.

"Alright Sam, I must go. I...I..I just don't want you to leave them no matter what especially if it's terminal". Riley stands up and walks out the door accidentally slamming it. The door does that sometimes since it is an old dorm and the doors a somewhat heavy. Parker and I joked about how the only reason they work out so much is so they have enough strength to get in and out of the rooms here. Good memories...

It's January 22nd and I finally get to go home for the holidays. I am still hesitant about seeing Parker and my stomach twists and curls when I think of them. I want to enjoy my holiday, not spend it with Parker in a hospital where I hear "code blue, code blue" over and over. My mother rolls up in her blue 1981 Lincoln Mark VI Continental and rolls down the window "get in sweetie!". I collect my bags of dirty clothes and leftover food and hop in the back seat since the front is taken by her boyfriend Gary. "Hey kiddo!" Gary asks in his cooling deep raspy voice. "How was your second year of college? All A's?" I chuckle a little bit "I am more of a B- student" I admitted, "I turned my rental books on time this year though". My mother smiles and we start our journey for a seven hour ride home.