I Have A Purple Heart

Behind the Smile

I cant sleep anymore.
I am awake with the tales created by others to distract me from myself.
I cant look at myself in the mirror.
I have so many hopes and wants.
I have very little ability to see them come to life.
There is never a positive outcome to looking at myself, the good is forever tainted by the overwhelming bad.
My reflection causes me pain.
I only love myself when my mind is fogged, when my vision is tainted, when my walking is unsteady.
When I am in such a state, I become beautiful.
My cheeks are rosy, my eyes full of love, my head full of distracted thoughts that move from one thing to the next with no real pattern.
I cannot decipher whether this is self healing or self destructive.
My mind is covered with a green fog.
In that green fog I discover all the reasons to love myself.
When it fades, I return to my old self, hesitant to look at myself, to think about what I am for too long.
My reasons soon become forgotten as I am engulfed by the harsh emotions that surround my life.
My body is different, wrong.
My skin is not right, nothing feels right anymore.
My music has changed. It is no longer a hum, but a scream.
It wails in a language I no longer understand, I can feel the anguish with every note my mind makes.
But once the screaming stops, I realize I am fine.
My mind no longer craves the love I feel for myself when I am not myself, not completely conscious.
That is because when the screaming stops, and the music becomes a hum once more, I look at myself and I realize I dont need the green fog to smile at myself.
I ignore the wrongness of my body and my skin.
I forget the words that have rushed from my mouth like venom, poisoning those who once felt nothing but love for me, and instead now only feel disappointment and pain.
I ignore the cruelty behind my eyes, and the dark shadows that once roamed around in my mind.
I look deep into the pupils that hold my story.
I see the struggles and the emotions.
I take in all of these things, the good and the bad, and I make an assessment of the flawed being infront of me.
She is light, she shines bright.
It seeps from the body that is different and wrong.
It comes past the skin that is anything but right.
The light melts all of the darkness inside of her, if only for a few moments.
The light is what makes her beautiful.
This light is always there with her, even if it covered by a blanket of darkness, or pushed out of her because it no longer flows with ease.
When it no longer flows like a river, but is forced out.
It changes from a sweet stream, to the harsh pressure of a tap.
When she is tapped out you can see it all over her face
Her face is covered with sadness, sin, and self loathing.
Her voice covers any pain she may feel.
It holds the mimicking tone of someone who feels nothing but joy.
She does this to hide from those who only wish to bring her love.
Sometimes hiding is easier then taking that leap of faith, because the fall is what she fears.
The fall is with her wherever she goes.
The chance of tumbling from the light, and being swallowed by the darkness threatens her at every corner.
If she takes that leap of faith, she fears love may not be what catches her, so she retreats back to the taps, and turns up the pressure, hoping she won't run out.
Outside she is perfectly happy.
Inside she is fighting the battle of her life to smile sincerely.
Please help her.