paparazzi // ryllon

chapter thirteen

I love him.

It's been a week since the crash, 2 days since Vicky left, and 6 days since I admitted how in love I am with Ryan. Ryan's been a little sad, but I get why. He is gonna smile and laugh and then I'll tell him. I will hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him, and he will kiss me and we will be together and in love. It'll be perfect.

I look over at the clock, push up my glasses, then sigh when I realize it's 1:26 am. I look down at the papers of lyrics. This house truly does wonders. I'm happy, I'm so happy, and I'm in love. I don't know why I was so scared of falling in love. Losing them? I won't lose Ryan. There's nothing here he could chase after. We can make it work. He could live with me, or I could fly out here, or we could move to another beach house somewhere quiet, and we will be happy.

"Hey," Ryan says, and I look up, a smile immediately forming on my lips.

He's beautiful.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I ask and Ryan shrugs. He looks anxious, and that changes things.

"Bruises are bruises," he says quietly, and I feel my heart sink a bit. Ryan isn't acting normal anymore. I understood he was nervous about me being mad about the crash, but I know he knows I'm not. I put the papers in a neat pile and stand up, hurrying over to him.

"You should go back to sleep, it's almost 1:30," I say. He sighs.

"I've been thinking, and..." I look at him, confused and patient. "I'm sorry," Ryan says quietly. No, baby, there's nothing to be sorry about.

"What, why?" I ask, worried and confused.

"I've been such a huge bother, and all I've done is distract you from your work. You came here to work, and I've done nothing but take you away from it. I was taking a walk yesterday, and..."

Ryan pulls out the key from his jacket pocket, both of us looking down. He breathes shakily. My heart sinks. He can go. I don't want him to go.

"It fell into the grass, apparently, and I guess the rain made it stand out. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, and... God, I'm sorry, I'll go," he says, hurriedly turning and leaving. I don't even get a word in between the time he speaks and when he opens and closes the front door. My heart aches a bit.

I grab my glass of water and drink it slowly. After a minute or so, I finish it and Ryan comes back to my mind.

And then it all hits.

I was taking care of him when he got a fever and after the crash, I kissed him, it hurt when I realized that Ryan doesn't eat, I think only of him when he's asleep or I'm not talking to him or looking at him or when I'm away from him, I feel fluttering feelings in my chest when we make the simplest of contact or when he laughs or smiles, and he makes me feel like I'm melting when I'm kissing him. I don't just love him.

I'm in love with him.

And I'm about to lose him.

I drop the glass, run out the front door and turn the corner. I need to tell him before it's too late, tell him, hey, Ryan, I'm in love with you, come back inside. Come back inside, baby, I'm right here, it'll be -

I freeze completely. My heart sinks and I feel like everything is ruined, like my walls are crashing down, and it's too late now, it's too late. The rain falls hard and I can't breathe anymore. He ruined it, he fucking ruined it.

I hate him.