You don’t think losing you hurts? All the nights I spent thinking about you and what you would be doing if you where still here? You broke my heart by setting of like that
I remember how you always used to make others smile, laugh and enjoy the sweet melody of life, but that’s over now. One second you where sitting out site drinking small girly drinks with me and my mother, the next thing I know you’re gone. Do you really think this is what wanted? You promised to protect me from everything that could hurt me.
I remember we used to fight about who was a better singer because I always won in singstar. You called it luck and I called it skills. The day to day I wish that I just once, just once let you win. Just so you could stand up and scream ‘in your face, Ivana! In your face’ to see you make a fool out of your self with no care about others opinions.
I wish that I dated the guys you told me too, that I just once in a while actually did what you told me to without giving it a second thought. That I just automatically would’ve cleaned my room or done the dishes, but no, I had to sit back and watch you help my mom with the things I should’ve done.
Why was it so hard for me to just ‘go with flow?’
I wish you were still here talking to my mom about all the girly stuff. I wish you were still here to make her smile when I couldn’t or can’t. ever since you left, my mom has been out for hours looking for someone like you, not to replace you but to honor you. She knows she will never find someone like you, but she tries her best.
I’ve seen her break down and cry, I’ve seen her give a fake smile and tell people things were great, just so they wouldn’t bring you up. Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how hard it is to make things work when you’re not around? Did you really have to?
Let me ask you this? Was it worth it? Was it really worth it? Are you happy now? You broke all those people’s heart, you made there life a living hell. My made my life a living hell. I miss you, and that day today I can’t stop thinking; did I do something wrong? Should I be taken a part of that huge blame we all have in our mind? Should I be feeling guilty? I forced my self to date a guy, just because it was him I was dating when you blew out the last candle.
I remember you convincing me things would get better between me and him and that life would make you go through ups and down and test you. I remember you saying that love was the biggest mystery of them all, and it was something that even the best couldn’t figure out, that karma wasn’t a bitch, people only said that because they couldn’t handle the consequences they got by making their choice.
You made yours, but I suffered, I cried, I was the one standing left behind with the biggest loss of them all, you. I know you want us to move and be happy, but how is that possible when you know who you where and keep wondering how you would’ve been today? How is it possible going through with the thought of someone who isn’t here anymore? Don’t you get it?
You seemed so happy, so positive. I guess they are right. The one’s with the biggest smile is the one’s with the saddest tears.
I remember, me making fun of your big no gigantic sunglasses, and it still makes me smile when I picture you in front of me with them on, laughing along with my mom. But it also tears me up because I know I won’t be able to see it again. I’ve tried so many times to let you go but I can’t. I can’t.
Here I am writing everything down as if you would get a chance to read it, even though I know its not possible, I just want you back, I want you back with us, smiling and telling us everything is okay. Its now been taking me hours; writing this down. It’s so stupid and idiotic, but your worth it. You’re worth the tears that I can feel on my cheek, the salt I taste in my mouth and the screams I make whenever I miss you to much.
I can’t help sometimes to just glare at heaven and cursing god from making you do this. I’m breaking down, I’m hitting the wall you always told me to step away from- taking one step down of the stairs each day, the stairs you told me to watch out for. I miss you so bad I can hardly breath. Sometimes I wonder that if I disappear just like you did, would I meet you again and would you remember me and hold me close?
Would you still know my name and recognize my eyes, my eyes, you always told me they were something special, that they reminded you of a beautiful explosion you imagined happened in heaven at sundown. Would you remember the song we would sing together whenever each of us was sad? Would you remember all those wise advices you’ve been giving me through the years?
Sometimes when I walk into my moms bedroom I find her kneeling down in the closet with one of your shirts in her hand, blaming her self for everything dumb or idiotic thing she ever did to you, I see her sitting on that one bench that you guys would meet up and talk for hours about everything and nothing.
I’m seventeen, and ever since the day you left I’ve wanted to do the same as you and I still want to. I still want to leave , I want to get away from here, I want to be with you, I want you to hold me again, I want to smell your sweet perfume and hear your laugh, but I can’t because YOU left ME.
I keep looking at my phone hoping you would call, or stare at your name on facebook hoping you will log on and tell me all of this is a bad joke, but I was there at your funeral, I sang the song you wanted me to sing for you in the church and I buried you with your favorite flower on top as you wanted to.
I miss you, come back.
- Anonymous.
