GOODBYE { a Harry Styles fan fiction }

Chapter One

Dear winter,

Today is day 1.

Or actually it's day 4 since you passed. But it's the first day I'm writing, so I'm just going to call this day 1. I hope that's okay with you.

I'm still questioning if I should do this, you know. It's a bit weird, don't you think? Asking you things, talking about my feelings with you, joking with you, even though you're not here anymore to answer or to give me advice or to laugh. I should just not do this, right?

I'm sorry but I just couldn't keep the pencil down. Because, on the other hand, why not? If it helps me then why not do it? Right?

Does it help me?

God I'm overthinking again. You would always help me with that, you would always clear my mind.

I'm sorry, Winter. I really am sorry that I'm pushing everyone away again. I remember that day, that day where you woke me up. I was really pissed and hurt. But I wouldn't tell you why. I pushed you away, as always. Everyone was okay with that. They had accepted that that's the way I am. That's what I do and how I handle things. I just tell everyone to go away and if they don't immediately I curse at them and they leave. Everyone but you.

You grabbed my hand, looked me in the eye and said "You know, Harry. You should stop pushing me away." I obviously instantly said I wasn't, though I knew I was. But you didn't back off like everyone else. "One day, you're gonna push too hard. And you're going to throw me out of your life and I'm never going to come back."

I was a bit taken aback by that at first. I think I even started yelling that if you wanted to go away you should just fuck off right now.

But later that day, I told you why I was upset. And I apologised. And since then I never pushed you away again. I accepted your help and I let you listen to me. I never pushed anyone away and I was easy to talk about my feelings. I remember telling you that 'you changed me'.

And I really think you did. But you know the thing is, I'm falling back into my old habits again. And you're not here anymore to change it or to listen to me or to help me.

People keep giving me bullshit about how you would want me to be happy and how you would want me to open up. But how the hell would they know that? I can't ask you anymore, can I?

I really miss you Winter. Missing is a strange thing, you know. I miss you at the craziest times. Like when I walk to my car and start it before putting my seatbelt on and it starts making this noise that you hate so much and you would always curse at me and tell me that if I didn't turn it off right now you would break my car and I would laugh and put my seatbelt on to make the sound stop and you would laugh too but call me an asshole and I would say I loved you too and you would flip me off. I miss that so much. But that's what I mean with that it's strange; I miss you flipping me off.

I wonder where you are right now. You always said you believe in ghosts. Maybe you're standing right behind me right now, looking at me. Crying or smiling. Or maybe you're looking at me from up there, above. From heaven, if that exists. I never really knew what you meant with 'ghosts'. I never got to ask you either. You always wondered so much about what was after life. I guess now you know, and I guess I'm happy about that.

You know what hurts the most, Winter? The fact that people have started talking about you in past tense.

"She was, "

"You and her were, "

"She liked,"

"She had,"

I hate that so much. My mum once said; "it's such a shame, she was so beautiful." I don't know if I have ever been that angry in my entire life. I think I even scared my mum a little. I started yelling and I even hit a hole in the wall. And you know me Winter, I'm not the aggressive type. That was the second time in my life I ever even hit anything. I don't know what came over me. She basically said that it's only sad that you died because you are beautiful. And I'm saying are because what also made me mad was that she said that you were beautiful. No. You are beautiful.

Don't worry by the way, I apologised.

I should stop making this Harry Styles' pity party.

Do you remember that one time when we went to Niall's party? I was a little tipsy and started ranting about that in movies friends always run around and act like they're free and do crazy shit and have fun etcetera. You got so sick of me ranting about it that you grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the house. You started running really hard and I chased you. Finally, you tripped and fell in the grass so I could catch up with you. I threw myself next to you on the grass and I thanked you. You asked me why I said thank you and I remember that all I said was "I felt free." We laid like that for a while until you suddenly punched my arm. Softly, of course and I returned it. Without asking why. You then screamed hide and seek! And you count! And started running away. I closed me eyes and counted to 20. I don't remember how long I have searched for you. But I literally looked everywhere. When I finally came back to the little grass field where we started you stepped away behind a tree. You were so close. Yet I couldn't find you. You laughed really hard at me and said; "that was so typical Harry Styles." I never really got that. I still don't, actually. We laid down again and we talked until we both fell asleep. The next morning we found out our grass field was an elderly woman's garden. Do you remember that Winter? Because I know I will never forget it.

When I was at your funeral yesterday, I saw a big old tree. And I pretended you were standing behind it. And that you are still really close but I just can't find you.

Yours sincerely,

Harry.

A/N

Hii! So this was the first chapter! I'm actually quite excited about this story so yeah I really hope you like it. Not every letter is going to be as sad as this one and they're not going to be in a correct order. Sometimes I will skip a few days and, for example, go from day 6 to day 14. Some letters will be long and some will be short, it depends :)

Please add this story to your library and if you would vote or comment it'd mean a lot!

Thanks for reading! X