i promise im trying (SPIRITSHIPPING

this is just a bump in the road

im not really sure if my words make sense to you
but i cant really find
any other way to form these feelings into cubes
and sort them in my mind
negative thoughts go on the left
and happy things on the right...

Judai laid in his dorm, staring up at the bunk bed above him. He'd done nothing but think the past week, ignoring any an all knocks on his door from his friends.... were they even still his friends? He'd tried to kill them after all. He'd succeeded too. Judai killed most of them. O'Brien, Jim, Asuka, Manjoume, Kenzan, Fubuki... all of them, due to his actions... were sent to the stars. Even though they'd later found out that they never died and they were okay, he couldn't look at them the same. Manjoume's face, scrunched up in anger, screaming that he was selfish and that he only dueled for himself. Sho had said the same thing, hadn't he? They all knew he was a selfish duelist, and every time he looked into their eyes he could still see the anger, sadness, and despair. The doubt. Jim and O'Brien literally sacrificed themselves for him. No, they sacrificed themselves to destroy the evil king. Judai refused to believe that they did it for him. Though, he kept the thought that O'Brien and Jim had never questioned him and they'd believed in him until the end in mind. In a way, the brunette didn't know how he gained their trust like he did. He didn't deserve that. All of his friends were too good for him. If anything, he should have been the one to go to the stars, he should have been the one locked away. Maybe then none of this would have happened, and everyone would have been safe. He would have been safe. Johan...

...but theres a little corner saved just for you

Johan Anderson. He... was like the sun. Ever bright and radiant, his smile lighting up the room without even trying. He loved everyone, and took care of his loved ones. Johan was everything Judai aspired to be. Strong, bright, loving. The brunette loved Johan, more than anything he'd ever had. (aside from yubel, his mind supplied. his love for yubel was like none other.) Everything about Johan was so amazing. His eyes sparkled gems in sunlight, portraying every emotion with such clarity that Judai was taken aback sometimes. With how he could be so open. Unafraid. His eyes always drew the fusion duelist in, making him feel things he hadn't felt in such a long, long time. In Judai's eyes the blue haired teen was so magnificent and so radiant. It scared him, thinking about how his eyes might have dulled due to everything that had happened in the other dimension. He'd seen Johan's eyes shine with fear before, only a few times. It would break Judai's heart to see that directed at him. For what he did as Haou. For who he still was. And who he wasn't. In many ways, he wasn't Judai anymore. He wasn't the happy idiot that dueled every time he could. Idiot could probably still fit, but happy? He'd forgotten the last time he felt genuinely happy. Rolling over to lay on his side, the brunette curled up on the bed, dull brown eyes staring at the wall across from him.

please let me know if you change your mind
cause inside im falling
and i need you to pull me out of this decline
i realize how hard on you this must seem
but trust me
when i say it's far, far worse for me

He knew it was wrong, never going to visit Johan. He was still at the academy, resting in the infirmary. It wasn't fair to him, Judai knew. Oh he knew. There wasn't a second that he didn't think of going there and hugging the living daylights out of him. But, he couldn't. Judai was scared. Scared of Johan regarding him with fear or disgust. Judai couldn't bring himself to move any time he thought about seeing anger or hatred spark in Johan's bright emerald eyes. He couldn't and wouldn't do it.
But he... he was so lonely. It ate him up inside. Of course he always had Yubel, they'd be the one person who would never leave him. But he wanted Johan at his side. He missed the smiles that felt like standing in soft sunlight or his laugh that sounded like the most pleasant bright bells Judai had ever heard. He wanted all of it back. But that... was impossible. It was impossible. He'd already failed Johan so many times, and even let him stay behind in the other dimension. It should have been him. It should have always been him. Judai should have been the one to stay behind, Judai should have been the one to be possessed by Yubel, Judai should have been the one sent to the stars, it should have been Judai. But, even with all of that, his heart called out for him. He wanted his left hand man back at his side, (sho would always be his right hand. his brother. however it was also hard to choose who was always at his side and who was his right hand man or otherwise. because he loved all of them. and they'd always been there for him. however, it was him who wasn't there for them. he was selfish.) wanted to feel his presence at his side and see his smile again.