I've been "disapear" for almost a year; there were just a few people who saw me at this time, and, He was one of this people. I confess I was weak, even he having a girlfriend and he'd been a boor at the last time we dated. I still love him, I was weak but it was a such good moment, one last night, one night of hope it was throw up across the window.
After kind of one and half month, the hope came back, I discovered I was pregnant, at the fist moment I was in shock, after angry, frustation, but my best friend, Tay, she made me see how this is a bless, I'd have a son of the man I always loved, it couldn't be how I expect, but this baby would be my hope.After our chat I was at my appointment with Tay, everything was good, when we arrived at our "home", the place it was full of ballons and there was a ribbon it was wrote "Hello, mom!", and, there there were some of my best friends, let's make a list?
Joe (Alwyn, Tay's boyfriend), Zacs (Levi and Efron), Abgails (my childhood bestfriend, and Tay's adolescence best friend), Ed (Sheeran), Zayn and Gigi. We still had digital gests, on the phone were Sel, on the computer were my family (my stepfather (Scott), my btrothers (Alex, Otto, Austin e Yasmim), my sisters-in-law, (Becca, Betta e Izzy), my nices (Mirian e Rachel), my abuela e my grand-mère), my partners (Wilmer, Matt, Aleric e Matthew) e my "two brothers" and their families (Jensen Ackles e Jared Padalecki).We talked, took a toast, of course I was always getting away from who is the dad and when/how I became pregnant. After two hours the digital guests'd already gone and we went to eat cake and I was a little quiet playing with the cake, Taylor call me and asked me:
- What happended? Are you okay?
- We are okay but...
- But?- We can't stay hiding in London forever, they will ask about the father, when I became pregnant...
- You won't tell Joe, will you?
- No, I won't, don't after what he did to me, he made me believe he an Sofia had broke up. In the future maybe I tell him, but not now.
- I get it, but what are you thinking to do?
- I don't know yet – my head is down and I'm playing with the my piece of cake again.
- So, you weren't at your aunt's clinic to allow they to get rid of Joe's old sperm, were you?
- Yeah, but Tay what are you trying to say?
- And if you'll say you made in vitro, and you go there to do, your cousin's one of the responsible for that part, You can ask her to say you did the in vitro and a friend give the sperm to you, if someone remember about Joe's sperm, you'll say they was throw away, and about the friend who gave the sperm to you you two made a deal and he'll be just an uncle for the kid, he wanted to help you to make your dream comes true!
- You're amazing, we need to plan every detail.
- Let's plan how would be an era!
So we started to makeup the whole story, we cried every detail o the story, how was an album, a tour, an Era, it couldn't and there wouldn't be any failure.
** 2 Months Later **
I was looking for a house for me, I've already had my houses in USA, but I wanted also one here, it'd be great for when I come here with the baby, at this exacly moment I'm going to Kent, and I'll meet a great friend there, His brother, my ex brother-in-law, he's shooting a videoclip in Brighton.We're going to Royal Tunbridge Weels 'cause I'll see ther a small castle a little far from the downtown.
I'm nervous and a little bit late cause I feel sick this morning, but this isn't the reason why I'm feeling nervouns, this is the first time I see Nick after I knew my pregnancy, actually, it's the first time I see someone who knows me well but doesn't know my actual status.
***
Finally we arrived there, after about two hours when we reached theres, Ster (my friend and my broker) wakes me up, when we got off the car we saw Nick there waiting for us.
Ster was the first greeting him, so, when I hug him I feel his muscles tense and he looks at me and makes a surprised face.
- What? How? When? I want say, congradulations! – and he hugs me again.
- About three and half months, this is the reasons why I want a house here, I want to enjoy my pregnancy withou midea and negativite.
- I understand! But who's the father? Is he British? – I froze for some second, I was lying for my son's uncle.
- Insemination, you know I've always wanted to be a mother, so... Let's see the house?
- It's more for a castle, isn't it Liv? – say Ster making a joke 'cause she knows I was tense 'cause the insemination story.
***
After I saw the whole castle I knew, I felt there could be one of my homes, I said Ster I want to make a close the deal on the same day. She was deal with this while Nick and I were waiting Nick's car arrive:
- Liv, are you cold?
- A little bit; I didn't have time to see the weather forecast to choose my outfit.
- Come here – he opens his jacket and hugged trying to cover me with his jacket, I used his chest as a pillow, I confess I almost slept, I thought it was so cute what he did.
***
One week later I found my castle and met Nick, I recieved a news I must go to Los Angeles to deal with some Association stuff and with this I'll have to see (almost) the whole Jonas' family , Tay and I've talked about it a lot; she, Joe (Alwyn) and our friends awent with me to give force, I wouldn't be able to hide the true just by myself, so, they went with me to help me kept the story.After months this is the first time I came back to Los Angeles, at Association entrence. It seems the people I know love to made surprises for me, what is one of the things I hate most, further because I always know when someone is making a surprise to me, and this is one of this occasions.There they were the (whole) Squad, everyone who were at my mom's party, Jonas' family and my friends/sistersKoko Kardashian, Kylie e Kendall Jenner the only ones in that family who understand me (well, still there is Mama Jenner, but she was helping Kiki with the surrogate thing).That morning was a difficult morning to me, having to lie for everyone there about my baby's father, lying to Joe, to Mama and Papa Jonas, hurted me, but it would hurt me more to have to say the true and in this case it wasn't hurtonly me.After the lunch I and my partrners had a meeting. After a long meeting, before the tea time I went to my office to deal with my some stuff of my own career, when I heard my door been knocked, I opened the door and it was Nick, I invited him to get in and seat on the couch...
- Could we made a surprese?
- Absolutely no.
- Of course not, you're you – we laughed and he stoped, he was more serious than the normal Nick Jonas.
- What happend? – he just raised his eyebrows, – I've known you fow what, 9, 10 years? – he laughed and said:
- I know the true!
- Sorry, Nini, but I'm one of the most known person on the world, i own a company with various artists, you might be more specific – I tried to make a joke, he laughed but the atmosphere was tense.
- I know the true about your son's father, I know he's Joe's son.
- Nick, I have no idea what are you talking about it – if this was a Mexican soup opera or if I was a bad actress I'd santand up and I'd turn my back on him to hide me from this conversation.
- I heard you and Tay making it up the whole story, I just want to know why this whole lie.I knew at this point I'd be able to keep my tears.
- 'Cause it hurts Nick, it hurts to know my baby was conceive in a betrayal night, when he apeared at my house in that night, I thought he haad broken up with Sofia, I thought he was back to be mine again, a week later he was with her again, some time after I descovered I was pregnant...
- Wait – Nick interrupt me, brought two glasses of water, after I drink almost the whole water I calmed myself and contiued my story, the true story this time, my insecuraties, my thoughts, my plans with Tay, and I finished:
- I want to tell the true, but not now. I can't do this, it hurts me a lot and at the moment I ant just my baby.
- It's okay, I won't tell anyone, now come here – I let him hugged me, and he said – If you need anything, if you need help for you or for the baby you can ask me anytime.
- Thanks Nini.
- When will we stop call baby of baby?
- When borns, I don't want to know before, nut I have some ideas of names.
- Will you tell me?
- No, the names just Tay and Mr. Kate know, I started to buy neutro baby stuff, but I'm thinking about let just Kate to know 'cause she and Joey will decorete te baby's room in my homes.
- It's a good idea, do you have a guess?
- I do, but I won't tell to anyone, it's a surprise – so, we laughed.
***
JUNE:
I'm at Royal Tunbridge Wells again. Today I'm going to London to work with Tay in our new albuns. People say the second trimester of the pregnancy are more calm, but today I woke up a little strange.
'Cause of my company of artist, I always recieve informations about them from my source sites/magazines, on the way to London I recieve an email from one of my more faithful source, saying Joe could be engage soon, he was saw in a jeweler buying an egagement ring.
After this I just remember to say my driver I wasn't feeling well, to tell Tay, I feel something in my belly, so, I passed out.
***
It've already passed one week since I lost my baby, Tay and Joe (Alwyn) were to the hospital to see me everyday, now they're with me in the castle I asked them to not tell anyon yet, I don't want talk about it.
***
More twenty and five days, my family is with me, even Thamires, my old sister, who was in China for two years, and Nick came here to surprise me , and I can't say I so sad as I as one month before, but I also can't say I didn't over-come yet.
***
Arrg! I hate her, why she need to know me so well? Tay know I'm not 100% and I know she wants to help me, but I don't know how to return to be as I was before, I don't know how to do this happen.
***
A week before my birthday and Tay continued on my foot, she wants I write about it, she thinks this will heelp me and she probabily is right.
We are at the music room, while I'm telling her about my dreams with cars, a getway, an accident, I stop and I start to hum:
'I was cryin' in a getaway car
I was dyin' in a getaway car
Said goodbye in a getaway car'
I look at her, she looks at me, and we start to work on this song, a song about everrything what I need to say,but in metaphor, at this point I knew it was time to say goodbye to my baby, to my Steve.
***
Getaway Car was a song I needed to realese on my newest album, Taylor and I were planning to release together on October, but this song need to be on the album so Taylor release on October and while on November, but even we 'll do the Secret Sessions together.
Now I'm going to New Jersey to see my "nieces", in three days it'd be the first Secret Session, it'd be in New York, until there i'd stay in New Jersey.
I arrived and almost everyone are there, they treated me well more than usual and avoid saying about the miscarriage.
I enter Dani's house, and it's time to say hi to Nick, he is with our goddaughter in his arms.
- How are you going, Liv?
I just smile and nod to him.
Nick've always been a great friend, always by my side at good and bad times, at this point I'm positive I feel in love for the wrong brother, but I can't say I'm sorry for anything, I'll always love Nick but like a brother.
