song: stay with me by sam smith
(peter’s pov)
guess it’s true, i’m not good at a one night stand
In all honesty, I don’t know what happened. My memory is still hazy, but what I do remember is clothes on the ground and my name on Beatrice Prior’s lips. I was talking to her one minute, and on top of her the next.
In all honesty, I don’t want to know what happened. I just want to forget. But she, she, won’t let me forget. Her body, the way she moved, the way everything went on, will not let me forget. I was not supposed to like Tris, I was not supposed to touch Tris, I was not supposed to be thinking about Tris.
She told me in the morning to never bring this up. She was embarrassed and left in a hurry, in just as much of a disorganized state as I was. Yet, all day, she hasn’t looked my way. Is she feeling the lust that I am? Is she feeling my lingering touch the way that I am feeling hers?
Our ‘one night stand’ was not supposed to happen, but it did, and now, it’s driving me crazy.
but i still need love cause i’m just a man
Before I left Candor, my mother told me that I would never have a wife or someone who loved me because I was a terrible person with no heart. She told me that if I stayed in Candor, she would disown me and get a restraining order on me, because sixteen years of hell was already too much.
It hit me hard.
I knew that I was not normal from the first day of kindergarten. I had never left Candor before, and didn’t understand why there were so many other people, who I had never seen before, that didn’t look like I did. Why were they wearing red and yellow instead of black and white?
That day, when I got home, I asked my father that question and others of the sort. They are not like us, he told me, and they are bad. I was to associate with them as little as possible, and keep to myself. But I couldn’t. Once I heard that these people were ‘bad’, I made it my mission to treat them like so. I went to the Amity girls in my class, pulling their skirts off and making them cry. I punched the Erudite boys, teased the Abnegation, and tried to fight the Dauntless. I thought this would please my parents.
Over time, this became who I was. I was ruthless, and someone to be afraid of; it was my image. And no matter how many times I tried to think about how to change that, I couldn’t.
You would’ve thought that I expected people to hate me. And I did. I was very aware of the fact that my teachers and peers disliked me with a strong passion, but my own parents? I truly believed that they loved me, and I had every right. They were my parents. Parents love their children, don’t they?
Not mine.
So, when Tris gave herself to me, I felt loved. I felt like I mattered, even if it was just for a few hours. She was a gorgeous, strong, brave girl who I had tortured, yet she still gave me everything. She let who I was and what I’d done get past her, and saw me as a good person. A human being who wasn’t out for blood; a boy who didn’t live for the pain of others.
these nights never seem to go to plan
Tris wasn’t my ‘first’. There were a few girls back in Candor who I had used as a distraction from my confusing life, a few girls who said they loved me but were through with me within a week. A few girls who stroked my hair, rested their head on my shoulder, and held my hand. A few girls who kissed me hard. But only one girl who made it feel real, who made it feel right; Tris. And it figured that the one girl who did that to me, was the girl I couldn’t have.
