Confused by Testosterone

Blake

So here it is first chapter of a very very overwhelming and stressful story for me.
Now you may remember Blake as the guy in my poem that I recently posted about how I was done with these two particular guys who kept tearing my heart out or pulling me around or whatever it was I said I don't remember off the top of my head.
However I want to clarify everything that happened with him from beginning to end in as best detail as I possibly can

In 7th grade I met this boy. This short adorable cute magnetizing boy. he became my best friend for a good chunk of that year and helped me through a lot of problems that I was facing.
Now I'm not oblivious so I began to realize that he had feelings for me. And I had sort of a small faint little crush on him back then that didn't even mean all that much in my mind at the time.
Specific moments that stick out in my mind from the time I met him to the time that is now. I remember the time in the cafeteria when so blonde dyed b**** of the school got me so mad that I just broke down crying. he did something I'd never told him about that would calm me down but it always did regardless of who was doing it. He started rubbing circles on my back and I felt Sparks. As cheesy and made up is that sounds I honestly did I tingled from where he was touching me and that does not sound dirty at all right hahaha.
that wasn't the earliest occurrence either that was our freshman year of high school which on my word it was really just two years ago and I didn't even realize it was that long ago.
in middle School something happened that made me realize just how selfless and caring he really was.
So yeah I had this small minuscule crush on him but like I said at the time it meant nothing because I crashed on a lot of people when I thought it was just my hormones or whatever you know?
and what happened was there was this one guy who I had gotten in a verbal sort of fight with not really it was really stupid drama but...
When I talked to Blake about it he just managed to make it all melt away like it didn't exist for a moment and like everything made sense and then he walked right up to the sky despite the fact that he was in love with me and told him how I was feeling and try to fix it all just to make me happy.

now Blake and I have actually dated several times now and I've had my heart smashed to pieces many times by this guy. however he's not bad just he is confused in the same way every teenager is when they first fall in love or whatever you want to call this.
he didn't manage to fix everything that night but the fact of the matter is he tried and I was touched by that.
for some reason his actions just stuck out to me as one of the most selfless things I've ever seen.
he made me laugh he made me cry so many times but when we were together without any of the trauma and it was just us being honest with each other it was the greatest thing I have ever experienced.
However for the longest time he was in a similar situation to what I am now just with two girls one of which was me and the other of which was doesn't matter who but yeah. he break up with me I break up with him and we went back and forth like that for the longest time and now that I'm falling for him again or I have I never stopped I should say...
I'm just confused as to what I should do because as a quote I saw online that spoke to me really said...
"if you're looking for a word that means loving somebody beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want regardless of how much it destroys you it's love. And when you love somebody you don't stop."
The part about how much it destroys you spoke to me on a spiritual level because that's how I've always felt.

and with him is strongest I felt that about anybody I feel like but because of that I did get destroyed emotionally many times. yet some part of me still wants to be with him no matter how much emotional trauma I go through.

when I found out how the other girl had treated him I wanted nothing more than to stab her because of how much that angered me that she could treat somebody so perfect like that.
I mean I know he's not actually perfect because we're all human you know but to me he's as close to perfect as it gets or at least that's what I wanted him to be.

there's a part of me holding back because I'm scared that my heart will be shattered to pieces again and I don't know if I can take it especially not from him.
He goes through these phases where he doesn't know what he wants as I put it he flip flops around like a fish out of water and can't make up his mind.
and I always do my best to be patient with him during those times and I always have done my best to be patient.
every time he left I tried to be understanding I tried not to show him how much I was hurting I tried everything to try and make sure he stayed happy without worrying about me.
but just recently I poured my heart out in a way that I don't think I ever have with anybody and it was to him.
and since then I've never felt closer with anybody which is funny because he and I aren't dating and I'm dating somebody else who although is a bit busy on a different side of the world or whatever you want to call it he's not on a different side of the world he's on a different side of the country but.....
I want to give Blake and this other guy a fair chance, Blake's had more than his share of chances but I still can't help wanting to give him another one.