I Jumped

This is only very short but I have writers block and find that just writing whatever comes to mind, really helps!

The song To Build A Home helped me write this so go check it out; it's beautiful!

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I looked down from the dizzying height, at the pavement below. It shook gently and I frowned as I tried to make it steady, until I realised that it was my own body trembling.

You stood on the opposite rooftop, your hands held outstretched and a smirk on your face. Part of me thought you might be revelling in the fact that I could die. Another part of me just wished that you longed to have me land in your arms.

A stupid part of me - the part that made me jump.

For a moment, I flew through the air, target in sight and the world seemed to slow down. It was like watching a snail travel across the pavement, my heart slow and my expression manic. You came closer, slowly, and then all of a sudden very quickly. I knew I was going to make it but you looked scared, suddenly... very suddenly.

Then my hand grabbed a thick slice of the night air.

I tried desperately to claw my way back up but I'm not sure what I was trying to grab; it was a straight drop onto the road, nothing to halt my fall.

I paused my movements and reflected, suddenly so calm.

I thought about how this was all for you and your soppy brown eyes. Your silly haircut and your ridiculous sense of humour.

My stupid little love for you, that you never returned.

I just wanted to catch your eye. I tried everything; I tried makeup; I tried to use words that would impress you; I tried to be somebody I thought you wanted. When that didn't work I tried somebody else and then another and another... until there was no one else left to be.

There was nothing.

There was no X marking the spot on your heart I could persuade Cupid to puncture. There was no key to unlock the secrets hidden behind your dark eyes. There was no word in the dictionary that could persuade you to love me. It took me so long to understand why.

Even as I fell to what I'm sure I knew was my death, I wondered if perhaps you might catch me. You might somehow descend the building's stairs in seconds and your arms would be waiting. A satin pillow after laying on gravel.

But you weren't because just as I hit the ground and I could feel every bone shatter and bend, I realised.

It wasn't that you did not want anyone I tried to be; you just did not want me. And now I'll never get the chance to be okay with that, because I tried to jump for you. I was your show pony and you revelled in making me dance to your tune

Well, now I'm lying on the black Tarmac that makes up a New York side-street and there's a pool of blood around my body where all my love is leaking. I have a punctured lung, a twisted spinal column and a large gash on the side of my head.

It's odd how in moments of distinct pain you gain so much clarity and I realised that I was not the ass on the end of a rope and a whip. I was an enamoured teenage girl who knew no better. I did not know how to say 'No', to my heart, or how to stop myself from falling in love.

You, you are the criminal, the murderer, because I did not jump, you made me. You teased, manipulated and encouraged my feelings knowing well you did not return them.

You pushed me. You pushed me off that ledge and now, I'm smiling.

I'm smiling because I know I can sleep now, safe in the knowledge that this will haunt you forever and so in some macabre and childish way - I'll always be with you.