January to January: A Journal

April

April 2

I went to see Dr. Uh-huh today. Sorry by the way for not writing as much, Journal. I've been out on dates with Terrence. I can only imagine what your face would look like if you had a face. Probably like Patty's when she found out yesterday. I never knew faces could turn pink, then orange, then purple. I think she thought it was an April Fool's joke, then something burst inside her blood vessels or whatnot. Of course, she screamed at me to "STOP IT!" and she's probably raising an army right now to "re-capture" me from the evil clutches of Terrence. Speaking of, Terrence was no longer in contact with the rest of the gang. At all! Ever since the fight with Roger, he seemed to have distanced himself. I wonder how our next gathering would look like. A few birthdays were coming up (Patty's for instance, but I doubt Terrence would be there).

Let's talk a bit about the dates: they were fun, romantic. I never knew Terrence to be so meticulous with details, arranging stuff to create the perfect mood (and by mood, I mean relaxing, not the seducing kind, okay? So stop the Patty Look!). In hindsight, I think it's a miracle that throughout the dates we've been in, Terrence and I never once talked about the gang or Darcy. True to his preference, everything was just about us (mostly speculative fiction, if our dates could be compiled into a book). I'm beginning to fall deeper in...love, I guess? And I fear the day when he finds out (and he will) that I've already met the guy in white in both our dreams, and that I have feelings for him too. I'm just enjoying the moment for now. Because this moment will not last, like a bubble about to burst.

My dreams? Repetitive: Terrence and Darcy clashing, sometimes kung-fu fighting in Ancient China style cinematic HD experience, and at other times a more modern setting in which they grapple more clumsily with each other. They still retained their symbolic colors though: Terrence in red pants and suit, and Darcy in his medical white. Dr. Uh-huh had a field day interpreting those dreams. I have a growing suspicion I'm going to be in one of Dr. Uh-huh's upcoming books ("The Case of the Over-Imaginative Gay Boy" or something).

So I raised the possibility that what she recommended may actually be causing more potential complications down the line. I mean, I could have just cut the connection with Terrence cleanly instead of stringing him along (and I might argue, myself...deluding myself, that is) with the hope that there was a happily ever after for us. I could have just focused on Darcy. But the hippie therapist shook her head and said, "The purpose of Blood Guy, A.K.A. Terrence, what is it? Do you remember?"

I did. A catalyst. Reagent. To stir things up and induce the necessary chaos to propel me to wholeness (yes, I was listening!).

"A very apt name you gave him, don't you think? 'Blood Guy' like the blood rushing through our veins, enlivening us. I'm betting he would have pursued you more aggressively should you have attempted distance," she said knowingly. NOW, she's betting? My sanity in the balance, and she's "betting"? Sometimes, I wished I could have just gone to the drug shrink and popped a pill. Then she added, "Let's compare. What was the experience with the doctor in white, and what was the experience with the charmer in red?" Well, she did have a way with words. Brought to mind Snow White and Rose Red.

"Okay, so Darcy first. I feel lightness and relaxation that one time I was with him. He was easy to talk to. There was no magnetic pull that compelled, but more like a soft and gentle caress. It felt like I belonged there, like home." I paused. It did feel like home, and I just realized it now. A sense that I was loved and held and found to be more than enough in the eyes of another. No pressure, just flow. I said in conclusion, "I think it was the closest I've ever felt to unconditional love."

Dr. Uh-huh smiled, and raised an eyebrow, "Uh-huh." Slightly skeptical, fascinated, but reserved at the same time. "And Terrence?"

"Terrence," I took a deep breath. I didn't know why I held my breath when I heard his name, automatic response and all. "Terrence is...passionate, romantic. Makes my heart beat fast. I feel protected, adored, placed on a pedestal. But also vulnerable and weak, like I need him there otherwise I would crumble. Terrence has a very strong energy, masculine and driving. I fall into something deep and dark, and it excites me when I feel I should be afraid. It's not home that I feel with him, but a different belonging. It's a paradoxical thing, but my anxieties are quiet when I'm with him." I fell silent for a time and said, "I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe I didn't express it properly."