The air was thick with tension. Louis and Harry stood on opposite sides of the living room. Their comfy flat had now turned into a stark jail cell very quickly, all because Harry spoke those haunting words.
“Are we ever gonna be able to just…be together.”
Every time this topic was brought up it ended dangerously. Usually one would say he ‘hated’ the other or a simple ‘fuck you’, but this was different. “Haz, you know we can’t.”
“Why?”
Louis’ palms were slick with sweat, “You know what they’d do, Harry.”
“What the fuck do you think Modest will do? You honestly believe they’d try and drop us? Bull.”
“We just, can’t.” Louis pleaded.
“That’s not good enough, Louis!” Harry’s hands bundled into tight fists as he bit his bottom lip hard. Turning it a deep burgundy.
Harry always wore his heart on his sleeve. That was part of his charm, he was honest. He let himself experience emotions. Especially with his boyfriend. “Why are you such a coward?” He hissed, letting a tear drape down his cheek.
“I-I’m not a coward.”
“Then come outside, hold my hand, or kiss me, or hug me, or something. Anything. Tweet it for all I fucking care.”
Silence.
“What am I even thinking?” Harry added to his insults.
“You know I want to Hazz-“
“Don’t call me that.”
That was the nail in the coffin. That turned everything upside down. Suddenly, Louis’ world collapsed within himself. This wasn’t like any normal fight. Hazza, Haz…those were Louis’ nicknames for his boyfriend. He very rarely called him anything but. Suddenly, this wasn’t about coming out, this was about their relationship. Something that could be over quite soon. “Please, Haz-…Harry…Please, please don’t do this. I’m begging.”
The room fell silent once again.
“I can’t handle this anymore, Lou.”
“Please, please Harry. I promise things will work out. Things will change soon. You just…gotta be a little patient…please…Please?”
“I can’t.” Harry’s knees buckled and he fell to the floor. He planted his face between his bent knees and let sobs escape. His chest felt heavy and the world felt cold and empty.
“Just for a little while longer, please.” Louis crept to his weak boyfriend and knelt beside him.
That’s when he saw it.
That’s when he saw those marks, right about his left wrist. Horizontal lines covered his arm, hacked away with a razor blade. Oh my god.
How could Louis not have noticed? Louis felt his stomach knot and churn. A weak “Harry,” was all he could mutter. His hand shook as he reached to the injured limb.
Louis never knew how badly his Hazza was hurting. Louis knew he’d been upset more often, and sure it wasn’t the best of situations they were in, but he never thought Harry would cry, let alone self-mutilate his body.
Harry snatched back his arm. “I can’t do this anymore, Louis. It’s eating me away. I can’t go walking down the street without your hand in mine. I can’t go an hour without kissing you. I can’t go on not being able to tell the world how much I love you. I can’t go on one more day doing it.”
“How long have you been…doing this?” Louis’ voice was soft.
“A few weeks.” Harry’s voice was emotionless.
“Oh my god. Harry, I don’t know what to say. Please, please stop this. Don’t hurt yourself please. You’re too good for this; you’re worth so much more. Oh god, this is my entire fault. All of this. Harry, I love you so much, you know that. I’d do anything for you. Do you want me to go scream my love for you to the world? I will, right this minute. God, anything, please just never hurt yourself again. Ever.
“Shut up. Just shut up.” Harry released a big breath. “Stop this. This, just… I can’t do this anymore. Louis I can’t be with you anymore. I love you so fucking much. But, I can’t go on like this anymore. This hiding, this lying. I can’t.
“No…please Harry.”
“I just…can’t anymore. Not like this.” Harry started to shake.
“I can change. We can come out right this moment. Right now. Anything. I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you.”
“You already have.”
~
It had been two months. Not a word was spoken between the two. Not even a ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ nothing.
It’s hard to live with someone who you love so much. All you want to do is crawl into bed with him, snuggle up to their chest and waste the day away. But, you can’t. You have to be strong and pretend you’re fine. And you’re not hurting. And you’re definitely not still in love with him.
It was all going semi-well. The whole “ignoring” thing. They’d gotten good at it. They could go in interviews, and act like nothing was wrong. No one knew. Well, except for them, and the boys. But, everything was manageable, until Harry brought someone home.
Harry had made it a habit to sneak to the local gay bar more and more frequently. He’d usually only drop in for a drink and a small breather. Just to get out of the tense air that was his apartment. But, he really wanted to stick it to his jerk of an ex today. So he decided, why the fuck not? So he got drunk. He got stone cold wasted. And he brought a boy home.
Hearing the door open and two people enter was heart breaking for Louis. He knew exactly what was happening. He could sense the stumble of drunk toes, and almost smell the alcohol between the sloppy, horny dogs. He had to be strong. Couldn’t show Harry that he cared. His only option was to shove in his headphones, and try to ignore Harry’s loud moans coming from his bedroom.
Hell. It was pure hell.
Hours had gone by. Harry’s visitor had left. Louis had to do something.
“I hope you’re fucking pleased with yourself, you prick.” Louis sneered as he entered Harry’s room.
“What are you talking about?” Harry responded smugly.
“Don’t give me that bullshit. I’ve been trying so hard. I’ve been polite, and kind, and quiet, for you. To make you happy. And then you do this. This. How?”
No response.
“Weren’t you the one who wanted so desperately to come out? To be with me? To spend your life with me? Well, what the fuck are you doing you bitch? You’re pathetic.”
“Louis…”
“Shut up. I’m done. I hope you’re happy, I really hope you are.” Louis stormed out and slammed the door.
This was too much. Too much for both of them. The whole home fell silent once more, as it once was. You could hear a pin drop across the entire floor plan. It made both parties heart’s ache. Louis was lost. It hurt. So much. He had to do something, he had to run in and apologize, had to do something. Had to. No, he couldn’t. God.
Bang.
~
Louis shook the nightmares from his mind. Five years had passed, and here he was. Standing in front of Harry’s tombstone. “I love you, Haz.” Louis wiped his final tear from his eye and walked back to his car.
~
SORRy. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
