I lock the cabin door, brushing the rough texture of the wood as I turn away and hike towards the blue post to catch the last bus of the day. My stomach starts to gurgle and I feel even more miserable. There’s terrible cell reception out here in these woods, but I know the second I get close to humanity, my phone will start to ping like crazy with missed calls from Mom, followed by angry texts from the one person I call my friend.
As the bus hisses to a stop, I sigh, climb on board, and rest my head against the glass window. There’s a metallic taste in my mouth and I realize that I have been biting the inside of my cheek for far too long.
Any person in their sane mind would never have done what I did today. But reminder: I’m not sane. Besides, the catharsis was very much overdue.
------
I close the front door as quietly as I possibly can and tip-toe across the wooden floorboards using my phone’s flashlight to guide me to my room. Five steps, four steps, three steps away from the stairs and I find my mom, sprawled across the sofa, phone face down on her chest. Her phone was still open to my messages. I smile sadly as I put it on charge and tuck her in.
In my room, I change into my pajamas and jump into bed, a sigh of relief escaping as I get comfortable. A thousand thoughts swirl through my mind just as I begin to desire peace.
When a baby falls, what makes him stop crying? Ever wondered? The pain doesn’t stop. Only the mind is diverted. And instead of focusing on the hurt, the child focuses on a musical box. I yet have to find my musical box, because without it, torment is eternal.
-----
I’ve probably called in sick to school more times than someone who actually is sick. Knowing this, I knew that my homeroom teacher, Miss Kazinsky, would hold me back to talk, and just like I predicted, right after attendance, I was called to her desk.
“Ava, you can’t keep bailing out on your education like this,” she starts, “I know there’s something going on that you’re not telling me, but I just want you to think for a moment. Is all this worth it?”
I keep silent and wait for her to finish.
Miss Kazinsky huffs, “Ava, you used to share everything with me before. What happened now? What changed? You are so troubled and I can’t help you unless you talk to me,”
“Miss Kazinsky, there are some things no one can change, no matter how hard either one of us tried,” I tell her and, as the first bell rings, walk out of the classroom to my first period.
On my way to English, Madison finds me and pulls me to the girl’s bathroom. Hands on her hips, she starts scolding me.
“You went to the cabin didn’t you?”
My silence only answers her question.
“Ava for fuck’s sake! I have told you so many times to not go back there and you effing know why. I’m your best friend. If I’m telling you to not do something, it’s for your own good. Why can’t you see that?” she grabs my arm, “Ava, I swear to God if I have to chain you I will. Look at yourself,”
I turn to the mirror and see my puffy eyes and untidy hair and, out of anger, push Madison’s hand away.
“You don’t understand Mads. It’s not as easy as you think it is,” I argue.
“Oh yeah? Please enlighten me,” she crosses her arms and takes a step back.
The second bell rings as I’m about to speak.
“Great, I’m late,” I push open the door and practically sprint to class.
“At least you showed up to class. Better late than never,” Mr. Santino comments and the entire class snickers.
“I can always walk right out,” I retort and take a seat.
“Miss Ava, I will not tolerate any attitude from you of any kind,”
“Mr. Santino, I will not tolerate any humiliation from you of any kind,” I argue. Just like that, the class falls silent.
Mr. Santino gives up and begins his lesson on verbs while I tune out and let my mind wander...
It’s amazing how quickly bonds can change. I mean, I can understand how two fighters can become one, but my mind has never been able to comprehend how an unbreakable tie is now lying in pieces, fraying from the ends. It’s been so long since I have accepted loss and defeat, yet seeing the shards always brings an emotional outpour.
I’ve already admitted it. I have a problem.
