breathe

i

**suicide trigger warning first chapter**

"Okay, I've sent this to you guys cuz I care for you all, okay? I love you guys so much; Stan, Kyle, Craig, Clyde, Token, Tweek, Jimmy, Butters, mom, dad, Kevin, Karen. You lot mean so much to me and I don't want any of you to be hurt after seeing this, okay? Please don't do anything." I was rushing my words, and my voice was thick. I knew I'd cry during this but I had to hold on as long as I could. I adjusted the camera again, making sure it was filming me properly.

"I guess, I gotta just give you the reasons first, right? I- I can't cope with this whole dying every day deal. It fucking kills me, man. I'm constantly living in fear, like what brutal way will I die next? Will I remember every single horrifying detail again? Does anyone even care anymore?" I bit down on my lip to suppress my crying a little longer.

"Do you know what it's like? I've died in almost every single way possible! How does that even happen? I'm a human for fucks sake, no one else gets it! I know there's something wrong with me, but no one can fix it-" I'd started to cry, making it harder for me to speak, "Sorry. I'm just so sorry. I had everything thought out and this was gonna be perfect, but it's so hard to focus right now with all this negativity mucking up my thoughts."

By now, I was hysterical. It was hard to speak, or think, even. I could only see blurs and I was finding it hard to breathe.

"This is the only way I can show what I'm doing now. I'm so sorry and I love you all so much. I just thought that if I did this all at once it would work. I've never had a multiple death before. I'm doing it in the comfort of my own home as well. Things are fine."

I panned the camera to show it all. I was shaking, so the video would probably be shaky at that moment. It showed a chair under a noose, a gun, a razor blade, a bottle of aspirin, and a glass of vodka.

"I'm not gonna show anything, cuz then I couldn't send you all this, and it'd be so horrible, but I'm gonna use all of these at once. I'm so sorry that I had to tell you guys this way, but no one had noticed I felt like this. No one ever asked if I was okay. No one really cared. I love you all. Goodbye."

After stopping recording, I shakily shared the video on facebook with only the people I'd mentioned.

I started with the pills, taking them all, washing them down with the vodka. I then cut both my wrists as deep as I could, and picked up the shot gun. Then I was on the chair, carefully getting my head through the hole.

Everything was already a blur, I'd died so many times before and it'd be so horrible if this didn't work. Dying four different ways together had to work. Self-inflicted death had to work.

I kicked the chair to the ground, cutting off my breathing, then making me hurriedly put the gun to my head, before dropping it without being able to shoot.

If I wasn't so dizzy and hysterical at that moment, I would have been upset that I'd only be facing death in three ways, but I had never felt that kind of pain whilst dying ever.

The pain grew as I heard a knock on my door, followed by someone screaming my name. The voice sounded so foreign to me as it entered my dying mind.

My door had been broken in, and there wae a figure of a person rushing to me. The chair I'd kicked over was under their feet soon, and the rope I hung from had been cut as I collapsed into the person's arms. They'd laid me on the floor and done something quickly on my computer.

Then I was throwing up. There were so many gaps in my thoughts, a few fingers had gone down my throat and there was puke all over me and whoever was with me.

Belts had been tied on my wrists just above the cuts. My neck had cold things around it, ice bags or something.

Everything was gone. I could hear the buzzing of a voice. Then everything was completely gone.

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okay i know i need 2 update my kyle/stan fic but i had this idea and i wrote it down oopzzpzosospzz.

anyway thx 4 readin ily will update soon hopefully (that goes 4 my style and creek fics as well oh my)

oh yes also srsly if any1 wants 2 talk abt any of the issues addressed in this story (or any of my othwrs) then just inbox me ok thx

-katy x.