He didn't know. They didn't know. I didn't understand. Countless people running around after you feeding you advice that they've cooked up from experience. Recipes that have taken years to master until you have finally created something of a 'success' to show and share with the world.
'You're not old enough to understand what love is.'
The majority of people in this world, throughout you life will tell you that you're not old enough or wise enough to understand most things until you've 'experienced' life. And I'm definitely not old enough to understand what love is! How well do you know me to say that? Through the (almost) 20 years of my life I've witnessed more than people think I have.
'You're not old enough to understand what love is.'
I'd have to disagree with that statement somewhat. Sure I've never dated and 'loved' in that sense to know what it means but I'm trying. I've had the privillage to taste what love is in many different ways. Growing up with two sets of grandparents; a couple that hardly communicated and spent most of their nights alone in the same room. And another that adored and helped one another until the end when things fell apart and one fell asleep. Everyday I've watched my parents interact with oneanother. While my father is a strong man that fears emotion and thinks of it as a weakness, he tends to forget my mom and make things up in his head that make him unapproachable at times. My mom as loving and as kind as she is, she feels as if she hasn't reached her potential and could be somewhere else doing something better. I feel sorry for her and know that because of my brother, sister and I, she's been held back and not been allowed to live her life. As much as my parents argue with one another like everybody elses, there are times when I've found them laughing together over silly things or holding hands or laying across one another on the chair; it was easy for me to see that even though it might not be perfect, it was and is 'love'.
From the moment I was born I discovered love in its many forms of family, friends and strangers. I know what love is.
Whether its a parent loving their child, a friend supporting another friend or a sibling following you like a shadow; it's all love. The feeling or emotion, presents itself in many forms. Its easy to identify but its harder to keep a hold of.
And yes, these are the thoughts of a teenage girl skipping through every cheesey chick flick she's seen and every song she's heard discribing heartbreak and happiness, searching for answers to her problems but, I see them as study materials. While the content may be over exaggerated and not entirely non-fiction, they put things into perspective and give you a sense of empathy which helps you prepare yourself for the worst. They allow you to build a little wall around your heart incase you ever need some protection.
When looking from the outside its a little easier to see everything that is going on and make judgements that you feel are justified but its not. Sure you learn from mistakes but first a mistake must be made in order for you to learn something.
'Every touch. Every thought. Every word. The butterflies just don't stop coming.'
Of course I'm not perfect and I'm going to have my off days, constantly thinking that something about me needs improving so he can have someone better by his side but there's something I still don't understand.
'What is it that he sees?'
I'm below 5ft3', I carry some meat on my bones and I'm not the girliest of girls. When I wake up in the morning I look a mess due to tossing and turning with the heat and my skin is terrible. I'm embarrassed about the hair on my arms so I wear long sleeves all year long. I feel more comfortable in jeans than in a skirt. I don't wear much makeup and I tend to keep things bottle up inside alot. When I look in the mirror, I'm constantly telling myself, 'you'll grow into your face, don't worry too much'. I'd rather stay in and watch a movie in my PJs than go out and have to dress up as I don't really have that much confidence in my body. There are so many things I want to do and so many adventures I want to have but there's always something just holding me back.
And why it that I can easily speak to him through text but as soon as I see him in person, I freeze and my voice disappears? When I'm with friends I can be myself and act crazy but as soon as he's next to me, the madness simmers down as I'm afriad that he won't really like the me I don't show him.
'Am I ashamed of myself?'
Not so much ashamed as I am scared of letting another person into my heart and allowing them to see me at both my greatest and my worst. Letting somebody else observe and discover everything that there is to know about your entire being both physically and emotionally is scary. They'll open up and reveal every little crack and flaw that you've tried so hard to cover.
When its first love however, there is nothing that anybody else can do to steer you off road.
