"WHEN YOU DIED."
BY: C.S.M.
I play it over and over again in my head, but always backwards, or I start from when the paramedics ripped off the rest of your shirt. Sometimes it starts right after the first paramedic switches to take a break, I have been told in Med school that to perform C.P.R. properly you gotta break a rib or two. It makes me wonder how many ribs were broken in you that night.
I think about you all the time. I think of those you left behind. I think of the day before and our conversation. I think all the way back to when I first met you and nearly instantly did not like you. I thought you a thief and a snake, We wound up getting stuck together on the same unit and I realized I completely miss judged you, but that's what I get for judging.
I learned so many good things about you and from you just by observing and allowing you finally to be my friend. You were my friend, and I don't have too many of those. I feel I'd rather be a friend to someone over someone trying to befriend me, cuz who knows how to truly be a friend? You did. You stayed locked up just like I did. But if you had one soda you would give it to anyone that asked you. Even if you knew they didn't like you.
All I hear your children say when I think of them and you is 'why?' I think the same when I think of you Dana. I'm not afraid to die, never was. But your death and the long failed attempts to bring your cold body back from stillness, right in front of me has traumatized me.
Many times after you were gone I felt your presence, I would talk to you and tell you that I'd see you later whenever I left. It wasn't like that in the beginning though. I was scared to walk down the corridor, I had to pass your old cell to get to mines which was directly across from mine. I would see your lifeless, blue body laying in front of my door. I would feel the air change to bitter cold the closer I got. When I would finally be forced down there and into my cell, I would stay up all night. I did that til my eyes were ringed with black and I was a walking zombie.
Why you entrusted me with your final wishes I don't know. But I carried them out. I was strong for your cousin whom you also devastated. The way she found out was awful. She was asleep in her cell. Her head near her open window, she heard someone say "Countrymen killed herself last night." I never cried in front of her. I didn't tell her the part I played in your death until the day of your wake. Everyone was there by the way. Even Dept. so n so who transfered a while before to Taconic. You affected so many lives in a positive light while we were locked up. I stood at the podium because Sarah asked me to say something about you, and the entire story just came pouring out.
When you came back from the hospital after having your daughter I played you extra close. I had been taken away from a child before. I know that feeling of wanting to hold your baby, or wanting to hear them cry for you, yet you're no where near them. An ocean stands in between. The closer we became the more I thought you would be alright. You were always looking out for me. There when I needed to talk but didn't really want to. I didn't mind risking getting locked with you for passing you stuff.
You were my friend and behind a door. You were hiding behind life, and your fears. I didn't learn that til after you were gone.
I was mad at you the day you died for something so stupid. I never stopped to look at the envelope you slid to me. The warning flag was right on the front of the envelope if only I would've looked at it. But no, I was in my feelings and in my head. I payed it no mind. Your last words to anyone that night on the unit were to me. You said "No matter what Angel make sure that this letter gets to Sara." I did it Countrymen. Even though the cops were on me. Asking me if you left a note or anything I made sure Sara got it that next morning. She called me to go outside with her and she cried and cried. I didn't shed a tear, I felt I couldn't to be strong for your cousin, and because I felt that I didn't deserve to. I knew it wasn't my fault you were dead. I just knew it was my fault you weren't still alive. If me being mad at you would have never happened I would've payed attention to your last words and the way you said it. I would've looked at the envelope. And I would've spared you that night. Maybe not another one but at least that one.
You left behind tears that I won't ever shed. You left behind a son, and two daughters, one who was only three weeks old. Maybe you felt like you would never be a good mom? Maybe you couldn't see doing any more time, in jail or on this plane? Maybe you just resigned and calmly folded your hand? However you came to the firm resolve of your suicide you borrowed my bible first, and so I know you attempted a meeting with God on earth before you took your life. Maybe you were in your own way apologizing knowing this time you would succeed?
So here it is the day of your wake. The night of your death and for four straight days I cried and wasn't even functional. Why did they have to place you right in front of my door? Your cold little foot half under my door. It all spilled out. The way I yelled at you that night. The ignoring the way you requested for Sarah to get your mail “No matter what Angel." And the last chance to save you, me not looking at the envelope Just turning it around would have been enough. Instead I threw it on my chair to give to your cousin in the morning. All that came out at the podium during your wake. Sarah looked stricken. Everyone looked at the monster in me. Sara said ‘I thought you were my friend.' I thought I was too.
She didn't treat me the same after that ever again. She forgave me I'm sure. It just no longer mattered. You were gone and nothing would ease that pain of betrayal from you and me.
I think of your children now, especially the youngest. She should be almost five now. She never got the chance to grow with you. Not even a little so she could at least have had a memory of you. She didn't get to know how much you loved her, and how bad you missed her. You just turned 22 and you will never have a 23. But I won't ever forget you. You were my friend in life, my great sorrow in your death.
Your children grow without you. Sarah continues to be Sarah with no you to help guide her and care about her for her and not her money. And me? Well, I'm just a shadow of what you would remember me as. But I'm in med school now. I have decided to save lives if in any way possible. I won't be so blind ever again.
We've cried, grown, stagnated and relapsed through this life, and since you've been gone theirs no one to lighten the storms anymore.
I wanted to see you the next morning. I wanted to come back and go straight to your door like I did most days and ask if you needed or wanted anything, to let you know I delivered your mail and me and Sarah will be outside your window next option to talk with you.
Now I just want to thank you for being my friend. L.B. is with you now too. Heaven has some great comedians now, while us down here have broken hearts.
You may have felt that you had no place here in life, but if you can see us all now, now that you're gone then maybe just maybe you'll know that we loved you.
