The Story Of A Broken One

This One is for N.

I've been thinking about you more and more recently. It's 2 a.m. I really fucking miss you and it hurts because I'm missing something toxic.

I always knew things were changing between us. I get it people "grow apart", I just never wanted to admit it because you were too important to me and I thought I was important to you too. We both had our flaws, but you d.a shamed me on my mental health, my hopes, dreams, how I saw life, what was my reality... You made me feel so useless.. I feel stupid.. you knew I was trying to change for the better... you always treated me like a sick little broken thing.. is that why you stayed all these years? Probably thought I would off myself the moment you left, nah boo never that.. I unintentionally gave you power over me but never that.

I knew that if I actually accepted this change I'd hate myself.. blame myself on a daily and somehow do something stupid.. For the past 5 months I've been keeping it together pretty well. Except for that one time I broke down crying from that one Neck Deep song because that shit hit! Had a whole panic attack as I was trying to write my essay 😅 other than that I'm fine..

Only reason why I'm thinking about you now is because I had two dreams about you. In both I was in some way, shape or form telling you that I'm sorry for everything. I told you that I was sorry that I was so fucked up. I am sorry that I wasn't the "dream friend" you wanted. That I didn't like exactly everything single thing you did and every other b.s you said throughout 2018. Didn't know friends had to be an exact duplicates... I am sorry though but like fuck you for not speaking to me and trying to make me feel like a fuck up. Communication is fucking key! Fuck you if you think that's a joke.
The one thing I fear is getting really close to someone and I hate having them use everything I told them about myself against me like bish you don't do that!!!

There's moments where I hope you deep throat a fucking chainsaw, but we all know I give a million fucking chances and if you came back right now I'd smother you in love... I would be lying if I said I hated you. I truly from the bottom of my heart wish you the best in all that you do. I hope you find yourself and won't force anything.

😅Still not over you trying to kiss me at warped tour knowing damn well I don't swing that way. That shit threw me way tf off, especially since you just broke up with some dude.. I know how you are, I just didn't know you'd do that to me. Had mad signs but I knew at the moment it was over and I was not about to have you use me..

Now I can actually admit it we grew apart. I can say that I grew up and you continued to act childish.. I worked on my disorders to get myself out of a dark place... I was always honest with you, always tried to be there but I wasn't enough.

I get it not everyone is going to stay in your life forever. You were good for me at that period in my life and you just don't fit anymore and vise versa.

You were my best friend and now you're gone. I just wish things didn't end as horrible as they did. I will make peace with this empty space. I will learn from my mistakes. I will move on 🙂🖤