The door rattled as it was shoved open. SLAM Ellis forced it shut. The lock clicked and the sound level decreased. Shouting could still be heard but she tried to block it all out. Screaming in frustration she spun round slamming her fist into the wall. A crack was audible but it didn't stop her hitting it again and again. Pain seared through her hand. Blood formed in the crevices of her knuckles, lining the ridges in her skin. Slowly spreading.
Tears ran over tears as Ellis curled up on the carpet. Her scruffy hair clung to her wet cheeks. She thrust her head into her knees muffling a scream as best she could. Sobs and groans escaped her lips. Why tonight why now. It had been going so well until tonight. Fresh tears streamed down her face, gathering on her chin before dropping onto her neck. It wasn't fair. Crawling across to the drawers Ellis opened the bottom one. Moving tissues and flannels she opened a small box. A mean blade reflected the dim light. It winked at her wickedly, taunting. No Ellis told herself. You can't. You promised. The part if her brain she knew was right was taken over by emotion. Grabbing the blade she exhaled slowly. Hands shaking she squirmed back against the wall. The cold bricks of the extension wall pressed against her back. She could feel the corners and damp through her thin shirt, jutting into her shoulder bones. Staring at the blade she felt it cut into her palm as she held it too tightly. A red line appeared, growing rapidly but she felt no pain. Only anger.
Glancing down at her arm she squeezed her eyes shut. Trying to find a reason to stop herself. There was none. Silvery, scabbed and red cuts decorated all the revealed skin on her lower arm. The scars topped by fresher wounds glittered in the light. A fading butterfly was sketched on the inside of her wrist. What had it been, a week? 10 days? Since you attacked your ankles. Stupid girl. A strangled chuckle escaped her lips. A whole week. And your going to destroy that now? C'mon, Ellis you don't have to do this. There another way. Part of her begged to stop but she could barely hear it and her hand still drove the blade closer to her skin. Closer and closer, until it rested on her wrist. The cold touch felt familiar. That was the worst part. Breaths came short and fast.
The blade began to drag across the exposed skin
STOP
Ellis shouted aloud. But could she? She was so close. She could feel the relief of her actions, then the pain. All the pain. The names and the accusations. The scars, the tears, the reasons.
Slice. Blood spread across her wrist.
She couldn't stop anything it kept coming, like the tide wave after wave. It was unstoppable. She had no release.
Again.
Please don't.. her conscience continued to beg. She had to listen but the shouting and screaming trapped inside was much louder. So much louder. Ellis grabbed her head and rocked gently back and forth shaking violently. Shuddering from the cold within.
She couldn't stop. Ellis lifted the blade again.
One for each thing, for every flaw, for every mistake.
Mum is gone. Forever
Another cut, joined the rest.
Dad... an avalanche of anger and upset flooded her mind. Fresh tears came to Ellis' eyes. She recalled earlier, the shouting, the swearing, the screaming, the.. the fighting. She felt the hot mark on her cheek and the bruises forming on her wrists and arms. Around her eyes. A graze on her cheek, a gash on her hip. Someone would notice.
In two swift movements more blood spilled from a pair of gashes criss crossing.
Holding back her anger from earlier as best she could only one more cut was made before she moved on.
School.
Olivia and the girls
Cut
PE yesterday
Slash
Jared..
Slice and slice
Mr Edwards
More blood
Grades
No longer could she see wear she was cutting, from the masses of blood and misted eyes.
Crying made Ellis short of breath but she knew she wasn't done yet...
Fear of being found out
Sharp pain
Fear of no one knowing, and no help
Another
Tania gone.. moved away, being left helpless
Why she asks as the blade tears her skin again.
Trying to forget them, to push them away so she could stop Ellis clears her mind.
'Me' She whispers....
A surge of every emotion enters the brain at once. Taking over and forcing the blade back down, where Ellis carved her wrist into a horrid pattern of blood and flesh.
Fire burned along her arm. Tears splashed onto the blood, mixing together, dripping onto the carpet which was now stained red.
Her conscious finally got control and flung the blade across the floor. It landed a meter or so away. Coated in blood a pool of red lay around it. SHIT. The carpet.
Ellis jumped up and grabbed an old cloth and began scrubbing the floor. Her wrist which continued to bleed delayed her actions but as the blood slowly dried, onto her skin she was able to see a noticeable difference. No one must know. She pulled the bath mat across over the stain which she would bleach tomorrow. Dad wouldn't think of moving it.
Dad. The blade caught her eye. No Ellis.
Shaking again she grabbed the blade and doused it in water before shoving it back in the drawer under the flannels again.
Her breathing slowed slightly as she hauled herself up.
Standing in front of the sink, there was no mirror to see herself. She had smashed it a month ago in anger and no one had bothered to replace it. She didn't think she could stand to see herself but she needed to clean up. Turning the tap on, Ellis risked a glance at her wrist. She winced at the sight. It hadn't been this bad for a while. As cold water ran over the shredded skin she felt regret in her gut. As usual. It was the worst feeling ever. She hated it. Then why do you keep doing it? A voice inside asked. Shut up she told it, dismissing the question. Truth was she didn't know. And she didn't want to think about it.
Once wiping the blood from the sink and pulling down her sleeves Ellis leant against the wall. In and out. In and out. Steady your breathing. She remembered the meditating exercise she'd once done. Clear your mind. Unfortunately her mind was swirling with so much emotion it made her dizzy. Swaying slightly her fist tightened around the towel rack.
In and out.
She unlocked the door, quietly stepping into the hall. Tip toeing foward Ellis leant against the door for the tell tale sign if her dad.
She was greeted by silence.
He'd gone out. Down the pub probably. Why was she surprised. It was late and all he knew how to do was drink. Great Ellis thought, an angry drunkard. She shivered at the thought, dreading when he would come home. Still drunk or suffering from terrible hangover. The though made her gag. Atleast she didn't have to face him now. A lump formed in her throat. Ellis climbed up the stairs which creaked under her feet. When she reached her bedroom, she flung herself down onto her bed. Pulling a blanket over her head and shoving her face into the pillows, tears came again.
Slowly her sobbing reached a steady rhythm and the pounding of her heart lulled her into a restless sleep, to which she'd soon be waken.
