It was dark that day. I remember that clearly. The clouds hung over our little doublewide out on Meak Road. Our next door neighbors were locked safely in their trailer, oblivious to the danger coming towards our old safe gravel road. I sent my little sister Eliza to roll the windows on the F-150 up, but began feeling uneasy; I went outside with her. For the first time in our lives, Mum locked the door to our trailer. “What is wrong, Miyah?” Eliza pleaded from me. She took my hands in her young six year old hands and wouldn’t let go.
I looked to Mum for help but Eliza kept whining. “Miyah! What’s wrong?” Mum was sitting on the porch with the blank stare that has enveloped her lately. “Miyah! Tell me.”
“Nothing for your ears, Eliza.” The voice shocked me and I spun around to see him standing there. As if he’d never left. The wind was howling all around us, whipping mine and Eliza’s braid against our neck. But—him. His chin length wavy hair stayed in place. I looked to his eyes searching, but I found nothing there. He was cold and emotionless, the same as when he’d left. “Take her and your mum inside. I will follow quickly,” he whispered low enough for only me to hear.
“J-jo—“
“Shut up, Miyah,” he snapped. “Just go.” I stood frozen in place, clutching Eliza to my waist. “Now,” he breathed angrily. I don’t know why, whether it was something in his eyes, or his demeanor, or if I knew deep down he was right, but I listened.
“Mum,” I said stepping up to the door. She vaguely acknowledged me. “Mum. Now!” I snapped. I felt like this was wrong. Why was I protecting her from whatever it was when she had never protected me and Eliza? She continued to stare blankly into space. I grabbed her arm and roughly jerked her inside. She looked startled, like the deer in the headlights, that I’d hit only two months ago. I remember that night clearly as well, for other reasons.
“Miyah,” she breathed. I cringed. My own mother’s voice sounded dead to me. “Wha- what… why…” she trailed off as she fell onto the couch. Her depression sickened me. Didn’t she think the rest of us hurt? Why was she the one to sink and fall like this? Why couldn’t I give up? Eliza’s tug on my hand reminded me. No matter what happened, no matter how bad any of it hurt, I would make sure Eliza grew up happy and safe.
“Joshie,” she said meekly.
“Yes, Josh is here, but that doesn’t mean he is staying,” I brusquely reminded myself, and well, yeah- answering my sister.
“Why did he leave us?”
“I don’t know.” I cringed at how much Eliza picked up on. She was extremely intelligent and far beyond the average six year old in her schooling. Before Father left, Mum home schooled us both together. After Mum became invalid to everything though, I couldn’t bear the thought of someone learning our situation, so I’d kept on teaching her and myself. I quickly and easily forged Mom’s signature and kept up with our finances as well.
Then, Josh had left me too. I felt a long too familiar pang in my heart and had to count to ten so I wouldn’t cry in front of Eliza. There was no need to scare her about my stupid life. To distract her, I sent her to the playroom knowing she would soon be fine. I looked out the living room window to hopefully catch a glimpse of Josh, but he was nowhere in sight. Just as I was about to give up, I heard a voice behind me. “How long have you been standing there? Don’t tell me you’re abandoning Eliza too.” I spun around angry at him for dissing my mother like that, especially with her in the room. I looked to her and realized he was right. She was absolutely invalid. She stared straight in front of her, blank and mindless.
“I’m not abandoning her. I was only looking outside at the storm.”
“I told you go inside and wait! How dare you not listen?” Josh fumed.
“Why would I listen to you?! It’s my house. In case you’ve forgotten, I have taken care of me and Mum and Eliza ever since Father left.” I was angry that he would even suggest I obey him. Or that I would abandon my sister. He honestly didn’t know how much we’d gone through after losing Father. How much I’d gone through after losing him. It wasn’t fair.
“Maybe it’s a good time to apologize,” Josh said. “Before I lose my chance forever.”
“Maybe it’s a good time to tell me why you’re here!” I yelled in response. I knew I was hurting him, and I couldn’t stop myself either. I felt resentment for all the pain he’d caused. And now with him back, trying to “protect” us, I had no idea what to think or feel or anything. I just wanted him to feel all the same pain I had for the past six months.
“Miyah, I can’t tell you that. All I can say is I’m sorry. I believe that’s all I’m allowed to say at the moment.”
“Don’t apologize!” I screamed, causing Mum to stir in the living room. She soon sunk back into her slouch though.
“Are you hearing yourself? You sound crazy.”
I glared at him for a full minute before running out of the living room into the kitchen. “Miyah! Where are you going?!”
“I don’t know, away from you!” I threw myself into the bar stool and tried not to cry. I failed miserably. The tears overflowed and sobs wracked my body in such a way I was gasping for air. I felt my throat tighten worse and worse and the stabs of pain throughout my chest and ribs. I felt the tears burning the scratches on my face, and the heat flaming my cheeks. I couldn’t stop it for the life of me, despite Eliza’s worried face in my mind. The only one who could comfort me was the one standing in the other room, the one I’d just run away from, and the love of my life. I was drowning in my own self apathy, and was unaware of any other happenings.
