I wish that I was home. I want to be home. This repeats through my mind over and over again. Screaming, echoing through my brain. I feel like this a lot. It’s when I get to my billet home, and I’m by myself in my so-called room; That’s when the feelings start rushing through my mind. I have nothing to distract me from the bad thoughts. No Hockey. No School… No Maya. God, I wish she were here. She makes everything quiet. She stops me from doing stupid things. I sit down on the bed and cup my hand over my mouth, biting the side of my index finger. My eyes flicker from my phone on the dresser, then to the door. I need to see her. She’ll keep me sane for the next couple hours. At least until Hockey practice. I get up and pick up my phone; dialing her number. That’s when I notice my hands are shaking. The phone rings for a long time. She finally picks up, her sweet voice ringing in my ear. “Hey Cam, do you need help with your math homework again?” She laughs. I do the same. My hands start to relax. “No, not this time.” I rest my hand on my leg. “Do you think that I could maybe come over or something?” I ask her, biting my lip a little too hard. “ Um, yeah sure. Now?” I nod unconsciously. “Yes please.” She chuckles into the phone. “Don’t take too long.” I sigh, relieving all the stress from my body. “See you in a bit.” I hang up, grabbing my jacket. Where are my keys? I reach into the pockets of the red and black hockey jacket, feeling nothing but lint and a gum wrapper. I scan the room, trying to remember what I did with them when I got here. Aha! I gallop over to the nightstand and grab the keys. I run my finger down the bracelet Maya had made me for our one month Anniversary. I look down and smile at the braided blue and white yarn fondly. I had gotten her nothing but a couple roses. But, she said that it meant a lot to her. I hear my phone beep loudly, taking me away from my thoughts. I reach into my back pocket and take out my phone. It’s my billet mother. Be home soon. Getting Groceries. I suck in the thick air. I reply back quickly that I won’t be home until Hockey practice is over. What I like about my billet mother is how she understands that I need to keep busy. She doesn’t crowd me. After she replies back, I am finally out the door. My feet lead me to my car and I hop in, shoving the key in and turning it clockwise. It roars to life. My car isn’t the best of it’s kind. It’s not really even mine. My billet Father lets me use it. He’s had it for twenty years now. But I appreciate it none-the-less. On the way to Maya’s, I think about my mom back home. I talk to her almost every week, but I still wonder how her and the rest of my family are. I think about my little brother, who is probably playing his Nintendo. I think about my sister, who is always so independent with whatever she does. And I think about my Dad- who is somewhere doing- whatever he’s doing. No, I can’t think about him. My eyes start to water. I shake it off. But my thoughts start to spiral out of control. My mind makes everything feel hectic and loud. I try to breathe, but it feels like I’m drowning in air- if that’s even possible. I need to get to Maya. I try to calm down, holding the steering wheel tighter and tighter until it hurts. I can see her house. I finally pull into the driveway, and turn off the engine. My shaking hands reach for the car door, opening it so hard that it makes a loud scratching sound. I stumble out of the car, trying to catch my breath. I think of things that make me happy, but it doesn’t help. I hold my head in my hands, focusing on nothing but my breathing. I feel warm tears run down my cheeks as I breathe out. I’m having a mental breakdown in my girlfriend’s driveway. Cam, you’re crying in front of Maya’s house. I can start to feel the oxygen fill my lungs. My breathing is slow now, but the tears don’t stop. I hear a door open, but I can’t bring myself to turn around. “Cam?” Maya’s voice fills my head like a song. But I still can’t get my legs to move. I then realize that I am bawling like an idiot. I hear footsteps getting louder and louder, until I see Maya standing in front of me. I try to calm myself down, but I feel like I can’t control my body anymore. I feel two cold hands on my face and I hold onto them tightly. “It’s okay.” She whispers, resting her forehead against mine. Isn’t this my job? I should be the one who’s supposed to take care of her. “It’s alright.” She repeats this a couple times softly. Suddenly the tears aren’t so heavy. I finally start to calm myself down, with the help of Maya. I let the last tear drip down to my chin, and onto the ground. I sigh loudly, wrapping my arms around my girlfriend’s waist, pulling her closer. Her hands slide down onto my chest, and her head rests on my shoulder. I bury my face in her soft, blonde hair. And we stay like this for a long time. She sighs as well, lifting her head up and wiping my tears away with her sleeve. I give her a weak smile. I can now see her face. Her glasses are slightly crooked, and her cheeks are a bright shade of pink. I straighten her glasses, and her cheeks glow even brighter. I chuckle, moving a strand of hair out of her face. “Thanks.” I say, kissing her on the cheek. And she gives me one of those beautiful smiles that always make me feel weak. And that was all that she had to do. I lean in and press my lips against hers softly. She pulls away after a couple minutes smiling. “C’mon.” She takes my hand and leads me to the front door.
