Come, Let's Talk

My... love life? (1)

Ah yes, the most hectic part of a normal teenager's life- boys or girls, depending what wing you swing, in my case however it is boys.

Now, just a small disclaimer, if you don't have a love life or are not romantically involved with someone, it's fine. Literally I swear it's not the end of the world nor does it make you some sort of weirdo, because what I've noticed is that in many books and movies, there's this message that's put out, that if you haven't had a date or your first kiss, or even lost your virginity at a certain age, it's odd, or there's something wrong with you. The only wrong in this case, is the message being sent.

I am 17 years old, have never had a boyfriend, or even went on a date and I am pretty sane trust me.

However, that doesn't mean I have had no experience with boys. I have plenty of guy friends, and I have had crushes on guys. However there have only been two boys in my life, who I've actually properly developed feelings for.

The first one came into my life about two(..?) years ago, I met him at a social gathering- let's call him Adam. Adam was the perfect guy- he was cute, nice, said all the right things. But there were two things wrong with him- he was wayyyyyy old, and he was almost my height.

Now, before you all attack me, let me justify myself- everyone has their own personal preference, I am not saying short guys are ugly or unattractive, I'm not a 6ft tower myself, but if I were to go out with someone, I would personally like to be able to wear heels with them, because, come on man, my legs look pretty damn sexy in heels. Also I am not afraid to say it, I am naturally more attracted to taller men.

But anyway back to story time- so I remained friends with Adam for quite a while, and even though I never openly admitted it, I liked him. A lot. He was the first guy I was properly friends with and I shit you not, he was the perfect guy and I could not be more grateful that he was the first guy I had this experience with because he showed me how real men treat women, and it set my standard pretty high.

The first year of our friendship was amazing, we talked everyday, all day long. His was the first message I read in the morning, and the last at night. But for certain reasons, Adam had to leave the city, so the thing became sort of long distance. But we made it work. And he would come back to visit the city a lot anyway. Plus now that I think of it, he should be moving back permanently in a few months.

Anyway, fast forward, to June 2018- my relationship with Adam was slowly dying. No actually at this point, for me it was completely dead. I began to finally notice the red flags.

First off, the age gap. It was toooooo huge and even though he never really treated me like a child, we couldn't really talk about stuff because we had nothing in common. I grew up watching different shows, he grew up watching something else, he was a party boy, I preferred to stay at home (that's changed now, but at that time it was different). Every time he would call, we seemed to be having the same conversation over and over again. It seemed like our friendship had been playing on a loop for a year, and nothing new was happening.

Secondly, there were too many people involved. If the friendship did end up transitioning into a relationship, any slight wrong move would not just effect us, but a whole other wave of people. Plus families, (especially mine), were involved. I knew people were uncomfortable with the idea of us, even as friends. Even though no one outright said it, I knew it was frowned upon.

Thirdly, my behavior was actually... cringey. And trust me I'm not just saying that. I couldn't leave my phone behind, or let its charging die, because I was afraid I would miss his calls. Any day he didn't call, I'd be devastated. I would post shit, hoping he'd see. Every time he would do the smallest thing, like liking my picture on instagram, I'd screenshot it and send it to my phone. If he didn't reply to my message I'd be upset, I'd double text, I would try to come up with excuses to call him. I would only ever want to talk about him with my friends. I was literally obsessed.