Aiming For The Stars

Chapter 9: Kill me with a butter knife

Chapter 9: Kill me with a butter knife.

Amethyst 

I don't know what insomnia is, but I'm pretty sure I have it, I don't wanna look it up, because, like anxiety, I was better off not being officially diagnosed. 

they say that admitting the problem is step one to recovery, but the moment I was officially diagnosed with anxiety by a drop in counsellor at child mental health centre, I lost hope , it was easier pretending that my issues don't exist, because then you can't deny it and pretend that it will go away.

so every night basically I say up till 2 am, 1 if I'm lucky, and think about a lot of stuff, things that happened back in 2009 things that happened today, things that will happen until I fall asleep. 

today's topic, for example, was apple bottom jeans, the only song I listened to back in my childhood that wasn't available in my cd file to Ace and Elliot.

an 18-year-old is allowed to have more than one fired, but why is it that whenever I hang out when Ace, it feels like I'm cheating on Elliot.

Ace is pretty, green eyes, black hair, killer jawline, leather jacket, motorcycle and everything, if I was like every other girl, I would make a move on him. but somehow I couldn't bring myself to like him romantically no mate how hard I try. 

we have our own private conversations, he gets that one thing Elliot will never get, instability.

we lay each other 's problems on a table of trust and discuss our issues away. 

his parents are divorcing, I was lucky enough not witness my parents divorcing, I was too young .he told me that's why he drinks and plays football, to distract himself. 

you see , one of the many reasons I'm running away is that in church, everyone is always talking about how they should protect their young for kids like Ace , but in reality, he's nicer than all of them, he doesn't use girls for his own satisfaction, he cares about their feelings, not what everyone says about him, which automatically qualifies him as a better person than most of them. 

just because he got tattoos and he drinks doesn't mean that he is a bad person, 

just because he does bad things doesn't mean that he is a bad person.

he just tries to co-op with his pain, in his own way. 

I can't bring myself o like him, though, not that he is not lovable, it's just that he doesn't make me have all sorts of feelings that Elliot evokes with a simple smile.

ask anybody who has ever been in love before and they would tell you ,people could do what your lover can do , but they won't have the same effect on you.

 you don't know what it is ,it' just that your heart choose them without your consent, challenging you to fight those feelings . 

I knew that I liked Elliot the first time he held my hand. that happened last year, it was on my birthday, the best gift I received. this brand new feeling of hope.

in case you wondering how I slipped into a coma was because I was skateboarding for the first time ever, the day I finished grade 9. I decided that I want to be adventurous, so I grabbed ace's skateboard from his locker after asking him and went down.

downhill. on a really steep hill from my school down to Loblaws, I was on my way to get blue Gatorade. and I hit a lamp post. I got hit really bad and slipped into a come that lasted from the day I finished school, June 31st until- I swear it was entirely coincidentally- my birthday, August 31st.