treachery and flowers

1

please read summary first.
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as of lately i've started to feel increasingly depressed, and feelings of suicide are starting to boil again. i've had major problems with this in the past; i'm not saying i'm the "depression mvp" what i am saying is it was enough for me to have to start seeing a therapist. the therapy has actually been helping in a way and my friends have been really supportive and are really there for me; before i got help i was in a really bad place i'd just ended a relationship for lack of seriousness, and my mental state at the time i felt horrible because my partner Natalia  she was so perfect, special, unique, amazing, gorgeous, funny, silly, to me, and still is so much more than that as well ( i promise i'll give her, her own dedicated part one day ), the problem was we couldn't have a serious relationship and i was an emotional reck am which just made the downfall of our relationship just horrific; my point: having to break her heart just made everything worse. I was lucky though because i had an incredible group of friends that were there for me and i'm so thankful for them they helped me get through it even though it was still a really rough time i was able to open up to them, a counselor, and eventually my therapist from there things got better they weren't perfect but they were better. if i was reading this i would be asking myself "what's the problem?" Well here's where i think it started honestly i'm not to sure myself. fast track to the present, and well things are not horrible if i were to describe it i would call things right now a compromise; i say this because i got back together with Natalia which i'm thrilled about were still managing the seriousness side of things as of lately, but we're managing it well the only difference is well we know the what happened last time and we're aware of the signs so we can prevent it, and it seems we're both more in touch with ourselves everything good and that field currently no mental negativity. Here's where things kind of sink per se; that spectacular group of friends i mentioned earlier in the past few weeks or so i've grown apart from them, and there are my own reasons i guess there have been things said, and a lot of drama going around and ironically just sadness; i know i'm one to talk considering the topic of this part, the only explanation i have really is just i feel like every time one of them comes with me with an real life issue, and i tell them "i'm here for you always you can talk to me if you want you just know i'm here okay?" then they start talking and i give my input afterwards or i just listen i feel like that hasn't done anything honestly i feel worthless to them because i want to help so badly, and after our conversations usually; yea their still upset, but i can empathize over that because problems don't just vanish out of thin air like that; they tell me "thank you *insert heart warming message here*" and i don't feel like i deserve a thank you as a friend that's a main responsibility i feel like i don't deserve that at all because next time i talk to them those problems resurface or there's new ones, and it's terrible i feel horrible thinking, "can you really do anything to help truly?" i wish i had that effect on people all a sudden they're just given long term happiness; i really do wish it worked that way i love them all so much, and i don't want our group burning down in a blaze of hellfire because depression, real life problems, and problems with each other. it scares me. This one messes with my heart strings because well this person is unique, they're different(good different) and really special to me; i'm not trying to make them out as some great messiah, but honestly in my eyes they come pretty damn close. Alex Jane. Aj for short though. you see the reason i see Aj in this high, and mighty light is because they have gone through so much, and i'm not at liberty to discuss it, but i just want you to get that thought really deep inside the spokes of your brain, and understand it clearly; Aj has gone through some shit, and i look at all that shit compared to mine, and i ask myself how? how can a person still stand after so many changes in their life that their still here standing, and not backing down; also these changes a lot of them are in different ballparks and they dealt with all of them, and some may still be carrying around with them, but they carry that weight, and keep moving forward; they don't give up i genuinely believe that, and matter a fact i would bet my life on it; Aj never gives up. i would like to go more in-depth about Aj but i think i've given you enough explaining about Aj right now and tell you the actual change at hand per se. as of lately Aj has been going through a big transition which again i'm not at liberty to discuss, but trust me it's a big one, and honestly i think they're brave for being open about it, and going through with it; which is again another reason they're an inspiration to me. but basically during this time Aj has grown apart from the group as well, and in my opinion me as well which again; big transition, and they need space i can completely understand, and respect that it's just i really miss them honestly, and i want to talk to them i just don't have the balls too; i'm scared maybe? i just don't want to mess anything up because of us drifting apart lately, and changes occurring i just wouldn't want to mess anything up or anything i don't know how to explain it exactly it just seems like i'm not as involved i guess and, i want to be because i care about them tremendously, and i want to be there for them i'm just nervous or scared or something i don't know i just don't want to mess anything up because i feel like there's this tension now, and i'm scared because if i mess up me and Aj's friendship; i'll lose them and that terrifies me even though we don't seem close now i still care about them. and finally the minor roll i guess i went from seeing my therapist every week to only two times a month because of insurance, and it's been hard honestly, but at the same time i think to myself is it even helping? i honestly don't know anymore i feel like i don't know anything anymore; it isn't just about everything going on either it's just like i said in the beginning "i've started to feel increasingly depressed, and feelings of suicide are starting to boil again." these feeling resurfacing again, and i don't even know the exact reason why because even though i'm aware of my emotions and feelings i still feel like i'm not in control i know i have these issues going on at the moment, and i think that's a part of it, but at the same time i don't think it's the main reason, and i've started cutting again, not being able to sleep, hating myself even more, laying awake at night thinking negative things about myself and what negative effects i have on others, eating less, putting on a fake smile, not wanting to wake up in the morning, stop engaging in conversations, stop responding to messages and not wanting to either, etc. you know what there probably isn't a main reason because there wasn't last time there wasn't now either and there wasn't the past 5 years either; it's like a void in my head that grows and, shrinks as it pleases. or maybe i'm just a suicidal nobody that doesn't deserve to live; it's probably that.

yours truly,
delsin