Straberries and Cigarettes

strawberries and cigarettes

Long night, day dream, sugar, and smoke rings I've been a fool but strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you.

Do you remember that time in our life? Yes, our life. When we were young and wild, thinking that life is so short just to live a boring life. This song somehow really feels like our song. Like you wrote this from my perspective about how our life used to be.

I remember when we first met, actually I remember when I first met you. Known you from whisper here and there. The 'bad' guy is back. How ignorant I am about your present thinking you just another boy who probably never talked to me or even hang around my social life. How at that time my best friend is freaking out because you are back and my other guy friend told me that you're not half 'bad'. I remember how my girl friends is telling each other and me to be careful around you and the opposite from my boy friends how they said that you're not half a trouble that the society label and judge you to be.

And then the first time we met. Damn, that day still as clear as crystal in my head. How you stop me at the parking lot, handing me your lighter and the first thing you said is "light my cigarette pretty then, maybe after we could have some fun." I still chuckle about it you know, how I respond to your words. Hey I want to ask you, that day on my respond to your introduction, did I break your nose? Or just your ego ? But still, anything that happen to us I really did not want to change, anything.

Somehow I became close to you because of my reaction. Somehow you stumble upon my social circle of not popularity and not invisible. How you became my best friend to my friend. How your label of 'bad' is not bad at all to me. Well until I started lying.

Being with you is ... complicated, that's how i describe it. Being with you, spending time with you is both easy and hard. I remember how many girls night and football match I have to turn down because I want to see you, talked about nothing, just being with you. I remember the first time I sneak out, how I perfectly made my perfect lied to my parents, how slowly I open up my window, how fast my heart beating and the rush of adrenaline is in my blood to climb down from the windows and climb up the fence. How all the things that I plan so perfectly can be ruin by many variables and one of them is Leo, my best friend and my neighbor.

That night is one of my favorite days in my life. That night carries so much memory for me until now. That night because your idiot brain you locked your car,  so we had to walk. But that walk, that talked, that random ass shelters with dim light, and that stare. It stills a fresh memory in my brain.

The next day, Leo who is the one talking to me that you are not bad ( I underline not) that you are just a regular guy with some problem, came up to me literally sat me down and interrogate me about that night. Leo who is the one saying that I probably don't have to worry about you being a bad influence on me is the first person to warn me, make me, and keep me away as far as he can from you. But it's still a long journey isn't it?

It takes 2 long months to make my parents, my friend, especially both of my brothers to make them okay for me to be with you, not in relationship as a couple, but more than a bestfriend. You know what I really miss about that time? The talk. How we are from different world, you teach me about the dark world and I'm teaching you about the innocent things. Teaching me about a lot of things, including fate. But we were different aren't we? One day we talked, one day were not. When were not, just to smell your scent that linger in my clothes is enough to tone down my feelings.

And yes, that time when we are an 'adventurer', I was hoping we're not. Hoping that we became what we are after that summer on sophomore . Remember the summer on our sophomore year? When I was traveling with my family, I made the decision to cut you off, figuring my feelings, and ignoring you, just to make myself better. But guess what? After the summer ended, 2 weeks it takes just to make me fall right back to your games.

Took you almost 3 months for me to not talked to you and 2 month on me just being regular friends to you to realized that I'm into you. Well in the end, we did became a couple rights? Again being with you is complicated. Is already hard enough for me to make you as my friend, at that time my boyfriend too? Well I still remember the disaster that happen in the first week, but I'm laughing about it now.

But one thing that makes me always remember you is strawberries and cigarettes. The weird combo that describe you. When we went to hangout, just two of us, you know I hate cigarettes. But you still smoke. And actually I tried every methods that is out there in the world for you to stop your smoking habit. And guess what? It took strawberries to make you almost stop.

From 1 box of 12 cigarettes, to a container of strawberries and 6 cigarettes with many strawberries, to 3 cigarettes and a ton of strawberries, to one cigarettes and my hand picked strawberries that I plant in my house. When we dip our strawberries in sugar and you eat it and feed the rest of your strawberries to me, I taste my strawberries and you cigarettes.

It took a headlights from police car to make me reconsider about us. It took too many fights, too many tears, too many things, and the last push from your family to break us up. To be honest I'm not blaming anyone. We were teenagers on our senior year. Yes we were grown enough, but I don't think that we were wise enough.

Brandon, when I heard this song I want you to know that this song makes me happy. Not happy that we're not end up together, but happy that I have that time with you. Brandon, you are my first love. My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first trouble, my first tears, my first fight, and my first breakup. You have a special place somewhere in me that no one can erase it. No one can make me feel better about it except for me to man up and forgive. To remind myself that what happen in that past, you are my part of my life.

And now I'm living the new part of my life as a happy woman. A happy woman who has her heart filled with love from my husband and my child. And Brandon, I don't feel any regrets, hate, or other things that you beat yourself up too. Brandon, I want you to be happy. Not with me, because your happiness lies with you. You have to learn how to make peace with yourself. You need to know to love yourself. I'm telling you this because I knew how it felt, to be so vulnerable and lost. Brandon, you still my best friend. The man who is so funny, so clever, so mysterious that so many people want to know about you. Be that guy again and if you can't, then be the happiest Brandon that actually happy for himself not because the other say so.

Brandon this is a very long letter to you. You are someone so special that even my husband want to meet you, not to rub his face on you, but genuinely want to know you and be a friend of yours. He's has a couple things that similar to you, but he's not a replacement of you. He is the love of my life and I hope you can find yours too who is out there trying to search you.

Last thing before I go, Brandon don't give up. This is one of many hard road you have to passed before you see the sunrise. And I really hope you see your sunrise soon enough

With my love to you

Abigail Behrn