Falling in love with a jerk

Part 7 : Am I actually gay?

The next day, I really didn't know how I would greet him. It felt weird. I didn't know anything about myself, I was confused, was I now Gay? I have never questioned my sexuality before and it felt odd now. I did feel good with girls, I had girlfriends before but this was ... different.

Last night, I panicked about this and started to search the net for some kind of answer, of If I was gay or something. There were some kind of tests so I decided to do one, of course I couldnt just trust these because these tests all had similar questions.

First question: Which sexual orientation would you say you've learned toward most the past three to five years?

So, it had to be straight because I didn't think about any of the boys, but that might've been because I didnt really got to meet anyone new.

Question 2 : When you masturbate, are you often more turned by the thought of a guy?

I thought about this, my answer would be , No, I get more turned on more by thinking of girls and rarely think of guys. Because there was only one guy now I thought off... Whatever! I should get to the third question.I left the answer blank out of confusion and hesitantly moved to the other one.

Q3: Now we're going to talk scenarios.

Imagine you're in a relationship with another guy - someone you find attractive who's been your friend for a few months. During a movie date, he holds your hand, and when a sappy scene comes on, gives you a kiss on the cheek.

Now, switch the role around - so wherever there is a he/guy/homosexual, put a she/girl/heterosexual and imagine yourself in that role. Which scenario would you prefer?

I instantly thought of Seth, him being near me,with his pure black eyes, staring at me and holding my hand and then... My face flushed again. I should've just got to the other question, I didn't answer it and got to the other question. This wasnt alright, why did I feel this way? It was just one guy though...

Q4. Imagine you just had sex. When you wake up the next morning, who would you rather see next to you in bed?

At this moment he saw his face turning towards him in bed. Him lying in front of me.The early sunrise hits his face in all the beautifull spots and he smiles and leans to me.

I closed the laptop, my face was red and I couldn't think anymore about anything,especially this. This could only be a crush because I only liked his outside. His personality is horrible, I remembered.But then,his face yesterday... Only a crush,it had to be. It didn't matter if I was gay or not , for now...

I walked to the school building, and there he was ,waiting, leaning on a fence. He glanced at me as I walked towards him.

"Come with me." He said silently.One of my eyebrows shot up, I followed him without saying anything.

We were in the back of the school where he tried to beat me up once. There were garbage everywhere and it stank like the last lunch meal. He leaned on the brick wall and pulled out his cigarette.I didn't know he smoked. He looked tired and a bit bored. He had the same bags under his eyes that he had on the first day of school. I stood facing where we came from.

He took his cigarette package with slightly shaky hands, he took one out and lighted it. I looked at him, now observing. He wore denim jeans and a blue bomber jacket, a bit big for him. He inhaled it and and exhaled the cigarette into the opposite direction of me. He turned his face towards me. 

"Are you o- " I started quietly but he interupted me with a louder voice.

"Look, Gab. Listen to me." And I did look at him.He sure looked tired. His eyes looked directly at mine.

He spoke again. " You cant keep going after Mason. It will be bad for you. You are not on the same league."

I frowned. "What do you mean, we re not on the same league. Are you fucking kidding me? You know why I want to do that, why stop now! " I shouted at him.

"Boys." A mischievous voice spoke playfully. He continued "lets not fight here, right now." A voice could be heard. I looked where the voice came from, Seth didn't, he smoked his cigarette looking the other way, as if he knew who it was. He closed his eyes and frowned.

The heels from his shoes clicking, could be heard from the pavement. I saw who it was as he came closer. He was one of the friends of Mason, he was slim and elegant looking. Not to type that would hang out with Mason.He had a wicked smile on his face,as if he was mocking us. His eyes didn't smile with his lips.

"What do you want, Lawrence?" He turned towards him and blew the cigarette smoke through his way.

Lawrence, as I now knew his name came one more step forward to Seth. " Oh my dear Seth! You know you can call me Law,like everyone else. " He stopped, his eyes wander on me." I see you are very close with little Gabriel here. I am sure Mason would love to hear that." He smiled even more.

I could sense that Seth was tensing up and getting angry, I didn't know what to do in a situation like this. I have never been the watcher , I was always the fighter.I stood with unease.

Seth stopped leaning on the wall and straightened up in front of Lawrence. He was taller than him. He now kind of reminded me of Mason somehow. "I would like to see you try. Mason wouldn't even listen to you and right now, here, you are nothing, nothing! Without them by your side.Besides you don't even have the balls to tell Mason. Maybe your balls are disappearing from all the dick it receives from behind, you little faggot."

I was shocked from all the that. But my brain got stuck on one word: faggot.

Lawrence snickered . "Well played Seth. I'll see you around, and Gabriel."

I looked at him automatically.

He leaned towards me, "Don't get too cocky." As he slapped my but and walked towards the school entrance. I didn't know what to get shocked off anymore...

Faggot faggot faggot! This word echoed inside my brain. Why would he say that?? I didn't understand, f he were disgusted of gays than he would be disgusted of me.

"Gab. Are you listening? Lets go get inside."

"Oh yeah, sure." I started walking at his pace.

"Don't talk to me at school, Mason shouldn't know."

"Sure." I said half-awake, still in my dreamland where I though of Seth calling me a faggot, but it didn't really make sense!

As we got inside the school Isabelle approached us excitedly,she was carrying bunch of paper and there was her friends handing them out.

"Hey guys! Since when did you two started hanging out?" she asked curiously, and gave me a look. One of her eyebrows raised up eyeing me up.

"We don't ." Seth said bluntly, that really hurt actually. I didn't know why, it should've been obvious he would say that,since we decided to do things this way.

"Anyways..." She said suspiciously and handed us both papers. The paper was an invitation of a party,today at 10 pm. "I really want you to come Gab. " She grabbed my hands and squeezed them. She then sharply turned to Seth and said. "I guess, you can come too..."

He grunted quietly. "Well,see you around Gab." She said turning to me again and hopped away.

He immediately  asked, "Will you go?" I rubbed my neck and quietly said: "I don't know, probably."

"Then I will too." He said, looking straight ahead. I was about to say why but nothing saying anything he moved towards the corridor where Mason and his friends were standing. I looked at him go , I could see Mason staring at me while having a wicked smile on his face. I quickly moved my eyes from him to the other side of the corridor, starting to walk towards my class.