Dear Soulmate

Part 1: The plea

December 16, 2018

Dear Soulmate,

There are two things in this world I am certain of when it comes to you: one, you and I are perfect together and two, we ruined each other. It's been years since everything went down and I still dream about you. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and go to look for you in the bed laying next to me, but you're not there.

How do you possibly possess this much power over me? No one should have that power and yet, you do. I never meant to fall in love with you. Hell, I never even meant to be your friend. You just crept up on me like a snake on an unsuspecting mouse; slowly and stealthily until it's too late to go back.

I still remember the first day we met. It was September of 2008, Sophomore year of high school in English class. The teacher sat us in alphabetical order which placed you right next to me. I remember thinking "Oh great. I get to sit by the weirdo new kid all year." Little did I know that your level of weird, matched my own, even if I was too cool to show it.

I had no interest in you at all, not even as a friend. Then, our teacher paired us together for the poetry unit. It was six weeks long. I thought for sure I'd be in complete agony for the next six weeks. We spent those six weeks discussing and dissecting lines of prose. I was bored out of my skull in the beginning. Somehow over those six weeks though, I came to enjoy our discussions and began to think of you as a friend. At least that's where I think everything began, maybe you have a different perspective. You usually do.

I remember the final project too. We had to choose a poem and write a similar one using the same poem type and present it to the class in a unique way like a video, a slideshow or a poetry slam and then lead a discussion on our poem. I had no desire to slam poetry on my classmates and neither did you, thank goodness. We decided to do a video slideshow with voiceover. Thanks for making me do the voiceover by the way. That audio haunts me to this day. I swear sometimes I mumble that poem in my sleep.

"Love, they say, Is not for the faint of heart.

Only the strong can withstand both the pain and the ecstasy.

Only hearts that long to find a rhythmic match

And create the greatest of symphonies, survive.

Love is for artists. Love is for dreamers.

Love is for those who dare to be strong in the face of certain despair."

The reason I am writing to you, is because I have cancer and I am dying and there are things you need to know before I leave this earth. First, I love you. I have always loved you. Even when I said I hated you, I loved you.

Second, as part of my bucket list, I am sending you every letter I have ever failed to send you. Some are complete, others are only a few sentences. These letters contain all the things I never got to say to you. They contain all the love I have to give and all the love you deserve. You'll see that even as a silly little fifteen-year-old kid, I always thought we'd end up together. I hope they find you well and give you a sense of what loving you is like.

Third, and most importantly of all, you need to know that I never meant to hurt you. If I could change it all, I would. I would make it so we never had that awful fight. I would make it so that I didn't pack a suitcase in the middle of the night. I would make it so that we were still together today, right now, because out of all the people that rotate around my bedside, you're the one I really want to be here. My friends, my family, they've all been great support, but there is something missing. I miss your optimism, your laugh, the touch of your fingertips on the back of my hand.

I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I am hoping you won't just throw this letter out. I promised myself about three years ago that if I didn't hear from you, I'd hire an investigator to find you. I know we got in touch a few months back, but the phone number and address I had no longer work, so I hired someone. That person is in charge of delivering these letters to you. I've asked him not to share your address or phone number with me. I figure maybe you don't want me to know where you live. Maybe you don't want to talk to me either and that's all fine. I just need you to hear from me one last time. One last time, and then you can decide if you want to talk to me.

All of this brings me to ask you, beg you on my hands and knees if necessary, to please come home. Come home so I can see your face one last time, so I can hear your voice in my ear once more. This is the most selfish thing I will ever ask for, as I know it would cause you a great deal of pain to see me on my deathbed. Please, come. Please read the letters. Please say you love me one last time before there are no more tomorrows for me.

Please...

Love Always,

Your Darling