SINcere.

radio silence.

It has suddenly become really hard to breathe. I am hyperventilating. This can't be happening again. This feeling is all too familiar. I don't want to remember... 

You knelt down, opposite me and held my tiny soft hand. Your black eyes were sad and regretful. Guilt danced on your young face that had a curtain of black hair to its sides. '' Nick, son, don't cry,'' You cooed. 

I sucked in a lot of air, trying to stop my little fingers from shaking, ''Dad, why are you leaving me? Where are you going?'' My small voice came out confused and frightened. 

Your eyes bored deeply into my own as you said, ''I am not going that far, son...'' The tears were rolling down my face like a flash flood and I despised it. I wanted to show you that I'm bold, that I can take whatever you were saying, but I was wrong. I was only four years old.  

''But then why are your clothes packed in boxes? And why are the boxes in the car? I hugged my teddy bear, Brownie, the one you got me for my birthday that November.  

You sighed and glanced at the door behind us. '' Don't cry, please... As I said, I am just in the next town. It's called Locke-Ville. We will visit each other, I promise...'' 

''No!'' Anger coursed through my little body. ''I don't want to visit you somewhere else! I want you to-to-stay-'' The gloom in my chest grew, creeping its way into my throat, stopping me from continuing with my words. I was panicking; my whole body was shaking heavily at the thought of you not living in mum's house anymore, let alone in Henry's town. I couldn't bear the thought.  

I tore my hand away from your grip and brought both hands to cover my face. My heavy sobs echoed around us. My heart still breaks when I remember this. 

You touched my shoulder this time and I shrugged you off, but you persisted and kept your hand on me. You said in a strained voice,'' Come on, son, big boys don't cry...'' That only made me cry even more. I could hear the anguish in your voice...'' Nick, I love you, but-but-I have to go...'' 

I removed my hands from my face to glare at you. My young eyes were ablaze with anger and betrayal. I couldn't believe that you were so fixed on leaving me, even though I was crying my eyes out for you. ''What about mum, huh? What-what about Chris-Chrisss-masss?'' The lump in my throat was annoying me heavily, for it prevented me from speaking properly. 

A tear rolled down your cheek, ''I'm sorry champ...'' Your voice cracked as you tried to compose yourself. You brushed the hair from my teary eyes. ''We will meet for New Year's when you come to visit me, okay?'' Then you got up. 

NOOOO!  

Every bone in my body scram, almost causing my ears to be deaf. I jumped from the window seat, leaving Brownie. You rubbed your eyes that were now red from unshed tears and turned away from me, refusing to glance at me in fear of changing your mind. 

I charged at you, ''Dad! Please-oomph-'' I tripped on a toy car and landed hard on the carpet... I wanted to get up again and chase you. My aim was to grab your hand and pull you back into the sitting room. With the determination that was in me, I am sure I would have been able to do just that.  

The tears were still falling down my cheeks and my throat and chest were burning from sad anxiety as my small body lied on the carpet. Bitter bile rose from my stomach, the fear already consuming me.  

''Dad!'' You didn't turn around- you just kept on walking towards the door. 

''PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!'' I scram. ''PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!''