I will forever miss your light.
I owe my heart to you, that is if you have not already taken it. As my mind wanders to you I cannot deny the love I feel; I love you with complete purity in my truth, the most genuine of heart. In the forever that we have managed to know each other, your light has managed to guide me through the ravel of my own darkness and the reality that is my own being. I believe that in my saying that, I no longer feel as if I owe you my heart, for I have recognized that my heart simply belongs to you and no other.
Through the tenderness and joy of your spirit, your memory has allowed me to neither know nor recognize any other life if it is not with you. You embraced me when hollowness, emptiness, and isolation consumed my very consciousness. You had made me whole when I confined my existence to the brittle truth of my own four walls. When the light would sting my eyes you told me to open them wider and accept it, for it would only make me stronger. In essence, you were my sunshine and the very light that let me live. You taught me to search for something beyond darkness and for that, I am eternally grateful.
I chose you to depend upon, selfishly, and for that I am sorry. You remain my partner in the trials of life, our two souls ─ which had found each other amid chaos ─ realized that they do belong to each other. I know you believed that too, for what we had was indescribable. Perhaps I chose you, but I believe that in spite of that we were always meant to be. Now, forever dependent on you, I must learn to endure without my other half and to function with half a soul.
Dearest, I do hope you believe me if I told you that if I had managed to hold the world within my hands, I would be miserable if it were not shared with you. In my own thoughtlessness, I did not recognize that when I held you the world was already mine. Forgive me, for, with nothing now to hold, I retreat back to isolation. I have become, once again, a prisoner to my own thoughts. I remain searching to fill the void left by the heart that no longer belongs to me.
As I sit in the darkness I cannot help but embrace the self-pity associated with knowing that I will remain on this earth unable to ever find you again. I cannot comprehend the actuality in knowing that I will never hear your voice again, nor the comfort of your words. I apologize, truly, for I am only thinking of myself but I cannot dismiss the fear of living without you.
You had taught me to celebrate life as it was, I assume how it is now presented through the plastered smiles around me. I can tell you with confidence that they are not genuine. Perhaps I should submit to this false presence of joy around me, to all those who now celebrate your name and life, I believe that is what you would have wanted. However, how can I, when in the present I embody all you had fought against? Please tell me how it is possible that my darkness always destroys your light.
I never wanted you to leave. I believe that is why I cannot let you and why I cannot accept that you have already left. Remind me once again to submit to happiness, for I am too selfish and weak to know any other life without you. Teach me to accept life on earth while you are in heaven.
Perhaps it is foolish of me to write this knowing it will never meet the warmth of your being.
I will forever miss your light.
