Heaven or Hell

HEAVEN: Sinn/Mut

Warning: Suicide Attempt. Skip until the second --- if you are sensitive to that.

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Lance doesn't know what started it, exactly. He thinks about it often - was it because his grades were crappier than he wanted them to be? Was it because all of his older siblings did better than him, were more respected than him? Or was it because people liked to dote on his younger sibling so much more? Because it seemed like they were loved? Was it because he was the black sheep of the family, not good at anything, not achieving anything? The one everyone just waved off because he was a goofball, not ever taking anything seriously? Was it even because of his family?

Or was it because of his lacking social life, no true friends, as no one saw a reason to be friends with him apparently, obnoxious and annoying, always talking, never serious, not a single thing about himself he'd call beautiful or handsome. Too thin, too long of a face, too pointy chin and nose, too long limbs, too tall, no muscles or something like that, eyes and hair too plain. He never had a lover for same reasons, he thinks. There were people he liked, of course, but they didn't like him back, not even once. They liked someone else or just weren't interested. It didn't matter when, middle school, high school, boring office job that he never wanted.

Maybe that's it, actually. He never got to be a pilot, like he wanted. He doesn't even remember the exact reason (that's what he kept telling himself even though he knew that he's just not good enough, never good enough) but after he failed the selection process every person he knew, some kinder than the other, told him he's never going to fly, he was going to fail over and over. He was so upset he quit on the spot. And now he was working some boring job with boring people and his crushes still didn't like him back.

But hey, maybe it was a combination of those things. He felt like he was a disappointment to his family, never as successful as his older siblings, not as lovable as his younger siblings. He'll never have someone who loves him as much as he loves them, his personality too obnoxious and his looks too plain. His dream will never come true and his future will always be something he never wanted. All of those things building a heavy cluster he can't carry and black bile which always makes him sick from the inside, no matter how much of it he got out.

Point is, Lance felt sad, always sad. And he can't exactly pinpoint why. Sometimes it's just everything, everything feels sluggish and heavy and he doesn't want to do anything anymore.

He also doesn't know when it started, either. Just somewhere between his happy childhood and his shitty adulthood everything he loved about life got pulled away from him, like a rug he was standing on, just that he didn't land on his butt and started laughing while he stood up, there was no ground and he fell and continued falling, he's still falling now.

He acts happy (but he is so, so sad) and tries to be friends with everyone at work (even though he knows they only talk to him because that's polite, who would want to be friends with him, right?). He ignores the question gnawing at his mind (why why why), tries to slot in, tries to belong, tries to be normal (but he doesn't belong, he's weird in a bad way, nobody would miss him, he's a big failure, he can't achieve anything, even if he didn't exist there would be no difference), he tries so goddamn hard. But he's tired, so tired.

Maybe he just doesn't belong and he can't change that.

Without Lance really wanting that, that thought worms itself into his head more and more often. When it's silent at work, when he's trying to sleep when he's out by himself. He tried to deny it, but every day ever since the thought first popped into his head, he realizes how much truth really lies in those. Because now he's paying attention to it, trying to pick up any sign that proves he belongs, that prove the voice inside his head wrong, but instead, he finds proof for the opposite.