Letters // Nct

one.

Waving one last time at our fans we all walk off stage heading back to our own dorms. I haven't stopped thinking about ending my life, I planned it for months but never built up the courage to do so, the guilt was practically screaming at me to get the fuck over it.

You're all probably wondering who I am, right? Well if you are, then looks like you're gonna have to wait until I finally take my last breath. If you don't, then it doesn't matter.

One thing I can tell you is that I'm young, not teenager young but more the early twenties. I should be enjoying my life, working hard, making friends, and maybe, just maybe find love but looks like life has other plans for me.

See the thing with love is complete bullshit. They say you fall in love at first sight but all I see are cheaters. The only good thing about love is feeling like you actually matter like you were meant to be brought in this world but some of us don't get that.

I was in love once, it was my only recovery of not feeling like complete shit every day but it all vanished with me catching my ex-boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend. I was lucky enough to stop the overwhelming thoughts piercing through my head telling me how could a worthless person like me ever be loved.

Love is something we all say, we can either mean it or don't. Saying it to a certain person can make them feel different types of emotions from good to bad. My family never said they loved me, for all the years I've stayed alive I never once heard my family say they even cared for me, hell, I was almost disowned by them.

The only time I ever feel cared and loved for is by my members, they're like the family I never had. Honestly, they treat me like I'm one in a million and I'm such a lucky person.

You're probably thinking, 'why kill yourself then?' Just because I am loved by somewhat a little bit of people doesn't just make all my problems and thoughts disappear, explaining it would seem like I'm asking for pity which I'm not so I'll put it this way:

Life hates me.

Moving on, it's currently 2:38 am in Seoul. The night lights are absolutely beautiful, it's a sight I would only see for one more week, maybe less depending on how I feel. Taking in every hesitant breath trying to force myself not to just jump off the balcony was something I did every night for about 20 minutes before drowning out everything.

Feeling the cold air brush against my face was always calming, it makes me think about all the good times I spent throughout my life. One of the members used to come up here with me until one night he didn't show up, it was strange because we always shared our thoughts, except my suicidal ones of course. Talking was always hard for me so I never really spoke about anything but listened to every word that rolled off the boy's tongue.

It was fascinating really, he would talk for hours until it hit around 4:00 am and then he would thank me and go back to his dorm. I never knew a person could talk so much but it never once bothered me, I envied him. He was so bubbly all the time and never hid his feelings from anyone but me being the anti-social person I am, I always distanced myself from the convo as it never grabbed my attention.

A couple of weeks went by and I never got an explanation from him as to why he stopped so I didn't ask any further not wanting to spark a fuse. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. I missed his soft scent every time he stepped into my dorm wearing his big warm smile as it never once faded from his lips while he rambled on for the hours he spent with me. Not everyone can stand me forever I get that, they're bound to get bored and go find something else to do with their lives rather than waste their time with someone irrelevant like me.

It's fine though, in the next week it'll be all over, from the demons I feel scratching at my throat every time I try to push away my thoughts to not bothering my members with my stupid problems.

They always say they'll help me with whatever I need but how do I know I won't be judged for thinking the way I do? How do I know they won't look at me like a disgusting human for conflicting pain on myself? How do I know they won't spread my problems with the others? How do I know they're not just pretending to care?

Guess I should start writing the letters now.
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If you didn't understand the chapter then it's basically the member talking in 1st person point of view.
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The rest of the book will consist of him writing a letter towards a certain member up until he finally ends it once and for all.
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If you want the members to read the letter then let me know in the comments <3