Random thoughts

Sailing

Dark night...
It's hard to see through the mist, with the moon being the only light source.

It's cold. The cool breeze brushing against my skin makes me shiver. I try to rub my hands together in order to warm them up. It doesn't work.
I look around in hopes to find something that might provide me a bit of warmth, but all I see from my little boat is the gloom.

How did I end up here? I'm not really sure. All I remember is suddenly losing control over the boat in a thunderstorm.

I am alone here. Alone and scared. I close my eyes to chase the disturbing thoughts from my mind, but instead, the smiling faces of my friends start to appear. The friends that I once loved so dearly, but lost during the storm.
Now I can hear their laughter. I can hear it clearly, as if they are standing right behind me. I open my eyes again and turn around. The laughter stops, there is no one. The disappointing silence of the night is driving me crazy.

Tears are starting to well up in my eyes. I cannot stand this. I want to get out of this place, but how?

I finally stand up. I am too close to the edge of the boat, but that doesn't matter now. Nothing matters anymore, actually, since I am defeated by my fate.

A feeling of hollowness is slowly getting into me, like some kind of black smoke envelopping my whole body. I take a deep breath. What if this is just a dream? I close my eyes really tight. Perhaps if I think of it hard enough, I might be able to wake up from it.
I try and try and try again, but it's still the same. Same emptiness, same loneliness, same cold dark night, same boat.

I finally give up, feeling despondent. I open my eyes and look in front of me. I see water... An ocean of sadness. That's what it is.
An ocean... as deep as my feelings, as empty as my soul, as dim as my thoughts, as hopelessly lonely as I am.

It's coming again... The storm...

The sound of the wind... at first calm like a murmur, then howling, like a hideous beast desperatly roaring in anger..., the pouring rain,... the waves that are getting bigger and bigger,... all of these are scaring me... way much more than they should.

The boat is rocking and I lose balance then fall, letting out a loud piercing scream before my body finally hit the cold surface of the water. I am not doing anything to stop myself from drowning. I just completly gave up on every single bit of hope I had.

I open my eyes one last time to see my whole word collapsing before my eyes, to see myself drowning.

I smile one last time, knowing perfectly that this is where everything ends.

I put my hands on my chest, as if I was trying to feel my heartbeat that was going to stop very soon, and say to myself, one last time: "Nothing was worth it anyways. You had to endure everything, and this is where the pain ends. Isn't it a great feeling, to finally be free?"

And, the pain indeed stopped, my breathing stopped, my heartbeat stopped, my meaningless life ended here. I was finally free.

The boat...

It was my heavy, broken heart, my uncontrollable feelings, my wicked emotions, my crazy passions and deep hatred, my love and fondness, my pain and agony.

The ocean...

It was everything bad that had ever happened to me, small drops of negativity accumulating, forming a small pond, then a lake, a river, an ocean of self doubt, paranoia, anxiety, problems, worries, heartbreaks, complexes, everything.

The storm...

It was the tantrums, the paroxysms of anger, the rage outbursts, my wild temper, things that I couldn't control at all, no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down.

I lost my friends to the storm when I was sailing my boat in the ocean. They are never coming back.

I lost myself to the storm when I was sailing my boat in the ocean. My old self is gone, I don't recognize myself anymore.

Damned boat.

Damned ocean.

Damned storm.

Damned me.