Has anyone ever felt like no matter how hard they try they can never be good enough?
I feel that way almost everyday. When I am little I do get a bit of happiness and calm but its like the depression just waits for me to be big again. It is difficult for me to even be this open right now but I figure why would anybody care enough to read what i write so oh well.
I have had clinical depression and anxiety for maybe 2 years now and it is like a ticking time bomb in my mind. I could be smiling and happy one moment and then the next i could be thinking about how i am worthless and a waste of space.
It hurts because I try so hard to be positive and be happy but its like I just cant stop the thoughts. I used to self harm and I thank god everyday that I am still alive but there is always this voice in the back of my head saying that I don't deserve to be here. That I don't deserve the love that I get from my friends and family, that I don't deserve to be where I am in life. Heck I nearly ran away from home once because I was convinced my family would be so much better off without me and it hurts more than i can express in words. I struggle everyday with my thoughts of 'Am I good enough?' or 'Who am I gonna lose today?' It feels like everytime something good happens to me I ruin it one way or another and it hurts. All my life my friends have moved away or turned against me and started bullying me. My constants in my life always slowly but surely leave me all alone my parents, my brother, my friends, etc. I always have this thought in the back of my mind saying, 'I wonder how long until they realize I'm damaged and leave me just like everyone else in my life?'
I don't expect anything to change anytime soon just because I rant about it to the internet. I just - Someone told me admitting you have a problem is the first step to it getting better so this is my admission of sorts.
