Blackholes

Rewind

I can't do this anymore it has to stop.

5 months earlier

On my way to the bus stop I thought of all the exciting things that I would do this summer. With the sun shining bright against my face and the cool fresh summer wind moving around I smiled. I felt like anything was possible right in that moment. As I slowly made my way to the bus stop, I stopped and looked around. It was very quiet, but it was inevitable the school year was finally coming to an end. I couldn't wait for summer, oh the days I would spend sleeping in and watching T.V. all day. Now, I just had to get through today. Turning to the side I see the bus slowly coming to a halt, but what I see on the bus is what makes me groan.

This is going to be a long day.

“Hey sweetie, ready for the last day of school?” the bus driver asks a little too enthusiastically.

I groan to myself inwardly before I answer.

“Ready as ever.” I reply dryly.

I move past her, and duck my head moving gingerly towards my seat. I don't technically have an assigned seat but I tend to sit near the very front to avoid trouble. Focusing my eyes on the landscape outside the window, I sigh reminding myself of the summer awaiting.

Later, as the bus rolls to a stop outside of school, I wait for it to clear out before removing myself from my seat. I grab my bag and thank the driver on my way out. Once out of the bus I make a beeline for the to door to the school, inside I hurriedly walk to my locker.

“Hey, you ready for summer?” My 5th grade homeroom teacher Ms. Collins asks. As I round the corner to the hallway of my locker, almost bumping into her.

“Yup can't wait.” I tell her plastering a huge smile on my face. Coming to a halt in front of my locker I open it, emptying it into my bag. Before slamming the door and walking towards class.

“Hey,” I say to Jessica a classmate of mine, upon walking into class. I set my bag on the ground, taking my seat.

“Hey,” she replies.

The bell rings signaling the beginning of class as the last of the students hurriedly take their seats.

                                 ◇ ◇ ◇

As the bell for lunch rings, I stuff my bag into my locker, then make my way outside. Walking up to my friends, I notice them eyeing me from afar.

“Hi guys, where are we going for lunch today?” I ask, since we always go out for lunch.

“Actually, can I talk to you Val?” Danica questions resting her hand on my shoulder. Before leading me to the stairs at the entrance to the school.

“What's wrong? Is everything alright?” I question, searching her eyes for an answer.

“Ok first of all I really don't know how to tell you this. But, I don’t think you can be friends with us anymore, I'm sorry but you’re really fat and nobody really likes you. Hailey told me that you were really rude and bossy and that I shouldn't be friends with you anymore, so yeah.”

“What, why how….what do you mean?!”

“I'm sorry, I should go…. um….see you later I guess.”

Filled with confusion and shock, I feel the realization seep in. And that breaks me, only then do I realize that may be they're all right.  Maybe I am fat, I am useless, nobody really needs me.

I get it now it all makes sense

I get up and run to the bathroom, needing to be alone. I need time to soak up what just happened, still in shock I slam the stall door behind me.

They all hate me already, I never thought that I would let them get to me like this. But, they hate so why shouldn't I hate me too?

Then I break down in that bathroom, and I change, I feel something shift inside myself. It's not sadness or depression anymore, I feel different. Then I realise, what's been inside of me all this time, but I never let it surface until now. It's disgust, I've hated myself all this time. But now I realise that trying to ignore everyone, hasn't done anything for me. Because they were right all along I am all those things they call me.

They were all right.