"Learn to let people in"
For what? The fuck am I gonna gain from that? I'm so tired of hearing that same lil phrase, been hearing that shit damn near all my life. It ain't never get me no where and it's never going to. I'm doing good, I'm doing well, so far so good.. fuck that!
"Listen, Alexis Marie you can not go through life with your heart cold and mad at the world —- gco"
With all respect moma Jess, so far so good. I'm good.
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So I'm sitting here having my daily sessions with my therapist who over the years seemed to become like a mom to me. She's always been around for us, for as long as I can remember. When I was almost a year old My birth giver, didn't want my ass, along with my brother and just dropped us off to my dad on his front porch like I'm a crazy expensive bill. When we were 10 years old, she came back nearly blood shot red from crying begging my dad for a second chance with us, "with a family", in the beginning she said and done all the right things, so he didn't deny her from us but I wish that he did. She left 6 months after her return. Why? I can't tell you because I don't know. My dad knows though, not really interested in talking about it. Truthfully over the years I became less interested in even hearing about it so it's a win-win situation. We're 19 now, gets Christmas post cards from the bitch, thanksgiving cards if We're lucky.
My dad tries his best with me & my brother, I know that he does and I really am ever so thankful but I wish he would accept that when I say that I am good I am great!
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At this point in our session, she trying to tell me how I am so angry blah blah yadda yadda.. No I am not. Don't get me wrong it makes me feel "bothered", but not angry.
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Growing up, showing a sense of maturity, or in other words; noticing that you are maturing into an adult is realizing, understanding, & accepting your toxic traits or your flaws and working on them, if changeable. You will find yourself being happier and not so much doing the things that you current do.
Ma you're missing the point, I'm not angry. I don't feel any anger towards anything about anything. Trust me I am ok.
I hear you , denial.
It's not that I don't want to let anyone, it's that I can't let anyone in. I will just be putting myself in the predicament to just get let down and dropped off & what will I gain from that? I'm giving someone power over me almost. Na. That's too much control.
If you wanna look at it as having a cold heart, go ahead. I look at it as protecting myself. It's a win-win situation.
