I was tired of living this way.
Everyday it was the same routine. Wake up, go to school, not have a ride home, cops at my house by the time I got home and then being up until way past midnight listening to my parents scream at each other.
Neighbors always called the cops on them thinking more was happening between them than just the constant screaming, Tyler would never come home opting to always sleepover a friends house or one of his girlfriends houses.
I couldn't blame him though, who would want to listen to the constant bitching of your parents.
Seventh grade wasn't my finest hour, all of our grade was finally colliding and people were forming opinions before they even knew each other. Everyone that I got along with didn't get along with each other at first and I didn't like it. I just wanted everyone to be friends.
I was first introduced to drugs at the start of seventh grade, my dad had left stuff out on the counter and they were both out at work. Me being the curious kid ever I tried it and I liked it, it felt like an escape.
For once something was making me happy, whenever they would start fighting again I would sneak into the bathroom and take a couple of daddy's pills and pop them into my mouth. It made me stop feeling the pain, forgetting every night that they were fighting with each other and not to long after I would find more pills in the cabinet.
This time it was my moms prescription, maybe it'll help me out some more.
I would casually take these to school with me thinking nothing of it, but mainly because I needed it. School stressed me out enough, trying to get everyone to get along, teachers telling me I won't get very far in life if I didn't pay attention, it was the same fucking bullshit everyday.
As it got closer to the holidays everything got worse, I don't like admitting it a lot, but my dad started blaming me for his failing marriage. He would come into my room after screaming at my mom just to start screaming at me and started hitting me, it seemed like one of those fucking overly dramatic short films about child abuse I ain't gonna lie.
Anyways he would start beating the shit out of me so I started wearing heavier things and at first it seemed pretty normal to everyone, the temperature was changing so everyone's wardrobe would change with it.
Whenever someone offered to hang out I would never ask them, I knew they would say no and I never wanted to disappoint anyone. Of course this would just lead to them jumping to conclusions that I was turning them into the cops for child abuse and would get Tyler and I taken away from them, but that was never the case.
Then the day came and you know it still haunts me to this day. Woke up for school like any other normal day, but my parents were screaming at me again, they figured out I was the one taking their pills.
"You are making us waste more money on more refills you retard."
"We will just start taking money out of your dumb college fund, at this rate you won't be making it there anyways."
"We won't help you through anything, I hope we fucking see you on the streets so we can laugh at you, you piece of shit."
They left.
Mikey was coming to pick me up for school today since they had work early. I didn't want to go to school, I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to do anything.
I went back into my room, I kept calling myself a pussy for crying. That's what my dad would say to my mom whenever she started crying during their fights so the same rules must apply for me whenever I started crying.
I don't know how I was going to get these to everyone, each one of my friends would get one in hopes that maybe they would all come together just for me.
I didn't want anyone to be sad that I had did it, I wanted them to know why I did it and why I appreciated them for taking in some sad fucking kid with a dysfunctional family. None of them knew what I did up until they all got the letters, they didn't know I had gotten addicted to these drugs, they didn't know that my parents relationship had gone down the toilet. I didn't want anyone to know that in the beginning.
I hated when people would feel bad for me, whenever I would fail something there Ryan Connors was saying not to feel bad about it cause not even he did good on it, but in reality he was just saying that to make me feel better. He would never fail any of our history tests.
None of the teachers would ever even try to help me, they all hated me because they knew my brother was a fucking animal in their classes when they had him. I loved my brother, but I would've loved to think that I was a bit more well behaved then he was, what can you do though.
Life was just beating the crap out of me and no matter how many times I tried to pull myself together and try to get better for my friends I couldn't do it. My mind was in the darkest place I think it has ever been and it really got the best of me.
I wanted to disappear, I thought that nobody would give a shit if I just dropped dead one day or maybe I just ran away and changed my name, maybe change everything about myself even. Life was just a stupid puzzle that I couldn't solve and I was tired of trying to fucking put the pieces together
So after I was done writing I took all of the little letters into the bathroom with me, it'll be easier for them to find them if they were just with me on site.
So another one of my routines started again, but this time to the extreme. I opened the cabinets and pulled out the pills.
Several Xanax and TCAs.
What a trip that was.
I couldn't remember anything after that.
