Heaven or Hell?

3- How would it feel like...?

How would it feel like for someone to be genuinely interested in you?

Like, to actually wonder, you know, things like: what does she like to do?
What is she afraid of doing?
What are her deepest secrets?
Something she's passionate about?
Etcetera.

I feel so alone most of the time. I'm conscious I try to distract myself, get things going. But, then the moment comes, moments like this when I wonder: are you who you really want to be?
Is this the persone you want to become?
I think I've known the answer for quite a while now...

Oh, hell no.

I'm a body that encircles so many personalities. I'm so many different people in every situation that I begin to question. Who the fuck am I?

I am aware I close myself to lots of opportunities just because I'm afraid. Shy is my excuse for not saying fear. But that's what it actually is.

I see people I know walk past me and I either ignore them or act like I didn't see them. I should say hi. But then the thousand options start to hit me: what if they don't say hi back? I will look like an idiot, what if they're saying hi to someone else and people notice? What if, what if, what if... never ending.

I don't have friends here, I don't have anyone to talk to, nobody who I feel free to talk about things as I please. All I do is listen.

There's only one person on this planet to whom I feel that kind of feeling, but we're in different countries, very apart from each other, we have different schedules. When he's busy I'm not, and viceversa. He's my best friend. And no, I don't like him that way and he doesn't like me that way.

Getting to point: I see a lot of movies and series and I love romance. It's my favorite subject everywhere. And I can't seem to find what's so seen in movies and everywhere.
Where the hell is my fucking Prince Charming?

That nice guy who I like and likes me back and has a never-ending interest on me, and wants to figure me out, and finds me so fucking attractive doesn't matter what I do, how I dress like, how am I acting, ... whatever.

I want to know how it feels like to have a boyfriend.

I want to be a fucking normal teenager with teenage problems.

I want to have friends who I can hang out with.

I want to have a proper teenage life. Life I've never had.

I see these versions of me that I don't want to be, that I don't want to encourage. Fuck. Have I mentioned how much I want a fucking normal life?

It'll pass, don't worry. I say that both to you and myself, so I can stop my tears and go back to bed. Whenever it has to happen, then it will. Also a repetitive phrase on these cases. I'll just go back to my routine and it shall pass.