Domed. (Previously Pageant To The Death)

T E N - Doubt

T E N - Doubt

My heart feels like it's in my ears with how loud it is. I stand straight, arms by my side looking straight ahead like a robot, and beside me are hundreds of girls doing the same. "Hello, ladies," Mrs Lercher gives us a sickening smile and I feel as if my guts have been turned to dirty clothes and mother is washing them vigorously in a little basin. We're all visibly nervous as we watch the five teachers in front of us. All of us wonder what this 'important meeting' has on it's agenda.

"As you all know," the tall teacher in front of the microphone continues. "We have Adrigen tomorrow. Who's excited for that?"

She's mocking us. I know she is and it's revolting. The woman has no heart. I see a couple girls suck in their breaths and others start breathing heavily and fanning their face, but most of us remain unmoving.

Mrs Lercher coughs and restacks the pile of papers in front of her before placing them back on the podium. "I do admit that I have rather unpleasant news for you. By law, it is illegal to complain or say anything negative so you may want to keep those mouths tightly pursed. Adrigen has been moved to tonight when the siren goes off. The first time it goes off is a warning bell and the second time means that the doors of Adrig's house are closed and any 18 year old girl who is not inside the house will be killed, so I suggest you hurry after the first. You may go home as school is done for you girls, and be careful what you say because Adrig hears everything. Have a good evening."

We all stand shocked for a while, staring blankly at her unable to process this new information. She said it so calmly, as if it were any old meeting about how we have to work harder or help the younger girls for the rest of the afternoon. I keep gasping for air but it seems to get stuck in my throat. I look around at how the other girls are reacting.

They are obviously being light on us because I see a majority of the girls crying but nothing happening to them, and I see a few faint too. I stand rigid, unable to move. Her words ring out in my head and they just don't make sense. Suddenly a searing pain erupts in my knees and I realise I've fallen to my knees. Just like many other girls, I too have broken down. Tears have started rolling down my cheeks without my realisation and I just don't know what to do.

"Adrianna, don't," I hear the voice but cannot recognise it until I see Allison kneeling in front of me. "Adrianna, everyone's is leaving and you might get in serious trouble."

"I'm so scared," I whisper, staring into space. A billion thoughts, images, questions race through my head. I hate this place but I love my life. I only just became a woman, I haven't even lived it yet! I don't want to die!

Allison leans over and wipes my cheeks before kissing them. She grabs my hand and brings me to my feet. I realise just how much I care for her and she does for me. Adrig may try to control us but they cannot take away love. We can still love and build relationships like in the olden days and they'll never take that away from us.

We follow the sea of grey outside and gather in little groups to discuss the change of events. "It's a strange question," Allison says. "But what do you think is outside the dome?"

I didn't think anyone but David and I cared but clearly someone else is also curious. I try to be casual and shrug. "Adrig says it's a scene of destruction and death."

"Yeah, but I asked what you think."

I don't know what to say, but I wish I did. I just shrug again and look away.

"A better life?" Allison whispers, coming closer so our conversation can't be heard. I turn to her and see her curious expression.

"What?"

"I don't know. Something feels missing from this place. I feel really happy when I smile but it's not allowed. Sometimes I feel I may burst into tears any minute. Why would our bodies have such strong desires for expressing emotion if it's wrong? It doesn't even feel like you're doing something naughty. I don't know, I just think that's a bit dodgy." She shrugs as if the information she just gave me is no big deal.

"You do?! Are you serious?" A smile spreads across my face but I quickly hide it. "Allison that's great!"

"What do you mean it's great? It's bad. It's terrible. I told my mum and she said not to repeat it. It's ungrateful."

"No, just ignore what your mother said for now. Tell me more."

"Um...okay," she raises her eyebrow curious as to why I would want to know. "Adrig is all about peace and happiness but-"

"Actually stop," I say suddenly, clapping my hand over her mouth.

"Yeah, it's stupid and ungrateful, I know," she looks embarrassed.

"No, no, it's brilliant. I just realised how easy it would be for someone to listen in on this conversation. We need to be careful. Discussing this could get either of us killed. I want you to go home and tell your mother the news about Adrigen. Try and smuggle out an extra dress if you can. In exactly ten minutes meet me at the pier and act natural."

"I'll try my best," she says, nodding. "See you there."

I take long strides in the direction of my house and announce the news. Everyone hugs me and wishes me luck.

"Remember," mother whispers. "It's an honour."

I nod and go to my room. As quickly as I can I pull out the stitches under my mattress and pull the diary out. I put it in my pocket and walk out of the door. I have to quicken my pace as the minutes tick by. I can't believe I'm going to do this without David.

I am too nervous to row so Allison does it by herself. I feel selfish but she insists. She says it helps when she's stressed to distract herself with hard work. I pull out my diary and pen.

I felt I should write but I don't know what to put down on the page. It's hard to react. There's nothing I can do to change anything, and yet I feel like there should be something. Allison believes her parents. She thinks Adrig is good and that everything they have told her is correct. Like all the other girls, she is scared but believes Adrigen is good because of the reward.

Except she's different. I can see little doubt in her, but the doubt is there nonetheless. She's not completely fooled. She just has nothing to believe in except the only thing that seems to make sense. She knows things aren't right, but doesn't know what is right. She knows life isn't as happy as it could be, but isn't sure whether it's possible to achieve that happiness. Maybe the extra happiness is to be found in the afterlife and she just has to obey Adrig for now. Or at least that's my theory.

I haven't seen it before, but many people seem to posses that doubt. They just don't have the guts to express it. I was completely shocked when Allison asked me the question and lost as to what I could answer it with.

I think it's time we stopped keeping Ingrid's garden to ourselves. People deserve to know the truth. I wonder, if we get enough people to know the truth could they could overthrow the government?