Being Alice

My First Day

*Alice's POV*

"Deep breaths, deep breaths." I whispered to myself in the mirror, tears streaming down my face. I clenched my fists and my heavy breathing stopped. This was my first panic attack in such a long time, I was so incredibly nervous for my first day at my new school. I wiped my wet, puffy cheeks and sorted myself out. 

"Right, lets do this." I exclaimed. I slouched down the stairs and found myself in the dining area, flailing my weak body on the sofa. "Everything alight darling?" My mum asked me calmly. 

"No. I want to go back to Manchester." I muffled beneath my arms. Mum sat next to me and kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry, you nervous?" She asked, again calmly. 

I shook my head, then nodded, my eyes tearing up as I saw my mums innocent smile. I was so mad at her for making me move hundreds of miles away from my friends and family, however I know she did it for my best interest. "You know I did this for you don't you?" Mum said, twiddling her fingers together. I nodded, then cried some more, she hugged me and walked back over to the connecting kitchen and continued to make sandwiches. "What are you doing Mum? I'll buy lunch" I explained. 

"I'm making you sandwiches, you need to keep your strength up." Mum murmured.

"Mum, if I turn up to my first day with a packed lunch I'll be the laughing stock, I'd rather just buy some food." I exclaimed. Mum packed away the sandwiches and placed them in the fridge, smiled sweetly and stepped outside and lit up a cigarette. I sighed and grabbed my coat, waving as I left the house. 

I stepped onto the path outside my house and headed towards the nearest bus stop. My heart was racing and sweat poured off me, my clammy fingers struggling to insert my headphones into my phone. After fighting with my phone and headphones, I finally pressed play on my Spotify playlist. As the music seeped into my eardrums, my heart beat slowed down and my breathing became average, I say average rather than normal because I'm asthmatic so I'll never have "normal" breathing. As I stepped off the bus and got closer to the school gates, I could hear screaming and cheering, I peeked over the fence and saw a gaggle of teens fist pumping the air and shouting. I sneaked behind a tree to take a closer look and saw a girl on the floor covered in blood, she was crying and pleading. All the other students were throwing stones and pebbles at her already disfigured face, spitting at and kicking her defenceless body. A boy who looked to be slightly older, was standing over her, laughing and tormenting her, his shirt covered in what i assume to be the girls blood, his friends all patting him on the back. Within seconds, before i could blink the boy took a run and kicked the girl in the ribs. I swear I could hear the cracking at my distance. I fell to the floor and held my hands over my mouth, shocked and terrified. My eyes streamed and I started to panic, my chest tightened and my eyes blurred and I fell to the ground. 

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I opened my eyes, staring at the sky. "Miss, are you okay? Hello?" I heard a male voice in the background of the high pitched buzzing. I turned my head to see a bearded man, smiling. My heart began thumping, flashbacks of my past rushed through my head, my breathing intensified and I vomited, all over his shirt. "Please go away, p-please get a-away from m-me!" I screamed. "It's okay, you're safe with me, please calm down" he explained, touching my shoulder. I screamed and clawed at his face "DON'T TOUCH ME!" 

"Alice? Alice! What's happened?" I heard my mum in the distance. "MUM! Help, get him away please don't let him hurt me again" I screamed, choking on my own breath, I pleaded for my mum to rescue me. My mum scooped me up and bundled me into her car, driving away as quickly as possible, I panted heavily and fumbled around in my bag looking for my inhaler. My mum tried to calm me down, by singing my favourite song from my childhood, the only memory that doesn't make me want to die. I caught my breath back and mum pulled up in the driveway, she helped me out the car and I slumped over to the couch, pulled my big fluffy blanket over me and instantly fell asleep. 

What I believe to be a few hours later I awoke, sweating. My head was pounding and my eyes stung. I looked across the room and once I realised I was home, I instantly felt calm. My mum sat next to me and placed one hand gently on my leg, nodding. "I'm fine mum, thank you." I whispered. I avoided eye contact because now I was awake and functioning like a human being again, I knew my mum was going to start questioning what happened. It's something my therapist introduced a few months back. I exhaled and waited with baited breath for the question. 

"Sweetie, what happened?" Mum asked in a soft voice. With a deep breath I began explaining. "I saw this girl getting beaten up, like really badly beaten up, she was covered in, in blood. Lots of blood. The boys were kicking her, spitting on her. Everyone was laughing. It-it scared me, because two years ago, that was me and I was scared it would be me again, then I passed out and when I woke up, he was in my face, smiling, touching me, breathing on me and I freaked out Mum, I panicked." I stopped talking and took some deep breaths, mum clutched my hand and kissed me. "Sweetie, that wasn't him , that was your principal, Mr Harwick, he wasn't trying to hurt you, he was helping you." Mum explained. "No, Mum, it was him! I know what I saw!" I shouted, trying to hold the tears back. "Alice, how can that be possible? I promise, it wasn't him, he's not coming back to hurt you." Mum hugged me and I sobbed. "I really thought it was him Mum. I really thought he was back" I whimpered.