{kinda trigger warning! mention of depressing/suicidal thoughts}
down.
sad.
depressed.
annoyed.
scared.
insecure.
weak.
hurt.
all those feelings pressing me down.
i just want to turn them off. turn everything off. just for a minute. to take a deep breath. to feel free for a second. right now i feel like i'm falling. like i'm falling down into a hole without any bottom. it's eating me up. i just want to smile without hiding the tears behind my eyes. i just want to be truly happy for once. i just want to feel alive. every breath hurts me. every step i take is painful and hard on me. someone help me out of this. someone take my hand, pull me into a hug and kiss my head. please. someone just drag me away from here, drag me away from my room, from my bed, from my comfort zone. someone force me to get up and get something done. whenever i close my eyes i feel my tears burning through my lids like acid forcing me to stare at my ceiling all night long. unable to sleep. unable to control neither my body nor my thoughts. unable to feel alive. just feeling like a machine, forced to function. i just want to take a time out. just wanna turn everything off. just for a day. or just an hour. or a minute?! just please... give me a small time out to stand up and gather myself. to pick myself up completely and take a deep breath.
who cares if one more light goes out?
who cares if i suddenly don't come online?
who would even think about where i could be?
who would even remember me talking about how i felt bad?
who would notice..?
no one at first, right..?
they would think i'm busy or something..
shake off the thoughts. don't. let. them. overcome. you.
i'm stronger than these thoughts! i'm stronger than myself! i can do this.. i will do this.. i will live on, not letting myself fall down this far again. but these thoughts keep running around in my mind... help me stop them, please...
please help me..
i'm scared in the dark
i'm scared when i'm alone
i'm scared of my thoughts
i'm scared of me
i'm scared of myself
i'm scared of you all
everything scares me!
how... can i help myself?
i don't know... i just want to survive this sad night. just want to get through it without shedding more tears than i already did.
just want to sort my thoughts and fight against the bad ones.
but i'm weak.
and what's wrong with that..?
i can't always be the strong boy
that i am always pretending to be.
i just want to be weak for once.
be taken care of.
just want a hug.
a kiss on my forehead.
an "it's alright".
a genuine smile.
just...
you to understand me!
but you don't...
will you understand me
when we've met?
i hope so...
i love you!
i truly do!
but sometimes...
you are the one
who makes me cry..
who drags me down..
why can't you be more
sensitive on me when
you know how weak
i am at the moment?
i should put away my
phone and calm down.
goodnight.
//word count: 542//
