Beautiful Pain

Sometimes I feel like everything's going over. It is too much. Just everything. I'm trying to pull myself together, but that does not always work so well. I try to go ahead and start at another point, but then I think of you.

I remember, as you always told me, that everything would be alright. As you said, I just think too much. You knew exactly when my head was messing with me. You were always aware of how you had to act. Every damn time, when my head threatened to explode, you helped me look ahead. Never did my head have even a second of rest, it was when you took me in your arms. Once you hold me tight, everything was fine again. For a few minutes you held me in your arms, firm and secure. Never did you let off. Even my gorge was able to lesson in your arms. You gave me security. You were my blessing, my life, my second self. You were everything I could become. Your gentle voice in my ear as soon as I woke up next to you in the morning. Your gentle lips on mine, if you kissed me. Your beautiful eyes that looked at me in love, once i fell asleep on the couch in the evening. I loved everything about you. Even this tick where all numbers had to be straight. Everything had to be in order. You are the reason I got up early to work. You are the reason why I survived then. Because you helped me more than once, when nobody else wanted to anymore. You never gave up on me when even my parents dropped me. With you I connected the most beautiful, as well as the most painful memories.

On my birthday, it was on september 15th in 2018, you died in my arms. This was the last time I held you. The last time you were close to me. Your lungs suddenly collapsed. No one knows why this happened, but it happened. Since then, I visit you every day at your grave. Everyday I put a new candle in front of your gravestone and put flowers to you. Everyday I am reminded how terribly fast I lost you. I could not do anything about it. Suddenly you were gone.

My days were getting darker, my thoughts were getting worse. I saw no one else, let no one else in anymore. Nothing could free me from this infinite pain. Once, when I finally decided to join you, you came to me. You said that i should go through. You found the right words to reassure me again. You were my light. Only at your request, I will continue to live. Live life, what you have lost.

I will bear your hope, guard your love and honor your name, because you are the most beautiful pain that has ever happened to me. You are my guardian angel. I will love you for the rest of my life.