Piece of Me Lost

"Piece of Me Lost"

Julia was not always self-centered, she wasn't always as insecure as she is now. She used to be smart, headstrong, a bit shy and very self-involved, but she didn't have many friends. Julia Bryan was a complete nobody when it came to high school, she only had two close friends which is next to none when it comes to being a teenager. She was grateful for them but sometimes it got lonely. It was her last year and Julia desperately craved the spotlight, she wanted to stand out but didn't know how.

Julia left early that morning, as she always did, for school. Being late made her anxious. She couldn't handle the feeling of things being out of order, it made her palms sweat, her heart rate pick up and when it got really bad, she would cry.

She took the bus, as usual and made it to school on time, right before everyone would show up. The quiet of the school and her classroom gave her peace as she was allowed to decompress, the worst was over, she got to school. As other students piled into the classroom the quiet was replaced by the voices of her classmates ricocheting off the four walls.

"mornin, Mornin" a group of Julia's classmates all came in together, heading past her to their seats, not sparing her a second glance.

Julia's friends were not particularly frequent when it came to reaching school early, they were more relaxed than she was. It was probably why they had more friends other than their small close-knit group. She couldn't help but feel left out and left behind. So, it was a complete surprise when one of the "hype" girls, Fiona, in the class approached her, her mood picked up a bit.

"is Julia yuh name right" the girl stood over her and looked down at her expectantly.

Suddenly Julia felt clammy, she struggled to get her words. She never usually had to deal with these types of situations. Usually she was left alone. Fiona asked her a question she did not hear and asked her to repeat. The girl smiled finding Julia's shyness funny, she felt annoyed by it but quickly pushed that emotion down, Fiona was just trying to be nice, right?

"I said what is your Instagram" the girl smiled and rolled her eyes playfully obviously not taking offense to Julia's distractedness. Fiona mumbled something about wanting to know what Julia did outside of school. She quickly rattled of her social media handle to her classmate, her hands becoming sweaty with anticipation.

She felt cold dread and regret wash over her. Her Instagram was pathetic she had barely a little over 100 followers and there was a handful of pictures, none interesting enough to get more than a few likes. Fiona scrolled through her already very bare social media page, there were at most 10 posts, which was next to nothing.

Fiona's hand came down to rest on her shoulder and Julia immediately stiffened willing herself not to flinch at the sudden contact. "no man girl yuh need fi get out more". Julia immediately became uncomfortable, this was not a conversation she wanted to have.

"you coming to a party with me Saturday". It was more of a command than a general statement. Julia wanted to protest, say she couldn't go, claiming homework as her excuse, parents, social anxiety (which she had) anything, she seethed quietly to herself, but it was all for naught, Fiona's mind was made up, and she was quick to learn that she was not someone who's mind you could change easily.

For the next two months Julia and Fiona became close friends, constantly going out together to party's or wherever they could find themselves, Julia chose to document this via her social media causing her follower count to rise rapidly, this excited Julia, it made her happy to know she was liked, but the more her follower count grew the more the other aspects of her life suffered, her relationship with her parents grew tense, they barely even spoke to each other anymore, they blamed Fiona for their daughter acting out, but all she did was make Julia better. More accepted.

Her friendships with her two friends did suffer though, they refused to even talk to her, they said she was too hype now, can you believe it! people were describing her, as hype. She didn't need them anyway, she had Fiona and her followers. She didn't need anyone else.

Early one morning Julia lay awake in her bed, the birds hadn't even started cooing yet. The clock read 4:36, she couldn't sleep. she tossed and turned the whole night. when she finally woke up, she reached for her phone first, not something she used to do, but it had become a part of her routine. Her bright screen nearly blinded her when she turned it on, she could use the time before she had to get ready for school to look at her Instagram. She was so close to 12,000 followers, she was excited to pass it, but the annoyance of not already passing it crept up on her. She was so frustrated that she began to pick at her scalp, a newly developed disorder of hers that had been caused by stress in the last month or so. When her hair was natural it was easier to hide but since she had gotten her hair creamed it was beginning to show. She had to learn how to hide it better.

Julia was extremely unhappy, she knew that, but she hid it well. Her two best friends no longer spoke to her, her parents were mad at her for sneaking into the house at 2:58 in the morning last week Tuesday. Yet still she didn't blame Fiona, she blamed herself.

She felt tired emotionally and physically, she was even pretty sure her boyfriend was cheating on her. It didn't matter though, because she was using him to get more followers anyway, with him gone she could probably get more. Eye water prickled along her lash line, she felt like a failure, she still hadn't reached her goal. She had nothing left, not even school, her grades were a disgrace her mother said. She felt the emptiness overtake her, nothing seemed to matter anymore not even the time she spent in bed editing a photo to put up on her feed, she quickly formulated her hash tags #blessed #wokeuplikethis #livingmybestlife #imsohappyrightnow. With tears in her eyes she tapped post and watched as the likes came rolling in, but nothing could dull the pain aching in her chest.