I think I'm in love with someone that doesn't love me back, but all the signs keep telling me it's true. I keep wishing that he will love me back in the way I've always hoped. But I can't read minds and he certainly isn't going to tell me anytime soon. He's like my best friend and one of the only people that has truly helped me thru my depression. It's still there, but when I'm around him I remember to keep breathing because maybe I have something to live for, a purpose.
But sometimes the way he acts towards me is frustrating and he can be a real dick. But other times when he makes me laugh and calls me weird ass names I get all giddy and stay up all night thinking and overthinking it a thousand times. Yep, my life. I can't help it, thinking about the way his eyes looked at me or the way he smirks when he's right in front of me and he has me cornered.
This morning he said he cares for me because he asked me "Where are you going-oh wait nevermind" because he found out I was going with my mom to her surgery. I asked "Why do you care?" Trying to be all defensive because I didn't want to feel the feelz, yet he did it for me. He said "Because I care about you, that's why I asked where you're going so I know you're not going to freeze"
Talk about feeling the Feelzzz😭 I couldn't help it, I smiled a big huge grin and I was so happy and I still am but...my heart is hurting so bad because I know he will never be mine. But can't a girl dream and at least try to be with the one person who has made their life a lil easier and maybe a bit harder on trying to keep they're emotions at bay?
He's had two relationships since almost two years ago when I first met him. It broke my heart watching him with them, it made me envy them and jealous and tbh I might've cried almost every night thinking about the one guy I have fallen in love with, be with someone else. Showing them affection, later seeing the hickeys on his neck (yeah, there's those too). And when I asked, he fucking blushed, a lil piece fell from heart.
But I kept holding on because I don't want to lose him. I don't want to let him go and watch him with more people. It hurts so bad, it feels like your heart is being ripped out of your chest and there is nothing you can do except to watch when they destroy it. You have to stand there and try to take it like a pro, like everything is normal.
Except it isn't, your whole world has been destroyed while you watch him flirt with other girls and boys (yeah, he's bisexual). And the fact that you still love him afterwards and would do absolutely anything if asks because you don't want the pressure on him. You'd much rather have it on urself than have him feeling it all. Wanting to take care of him even if he is being a dick, just be a lil petty about it.
Wishing one day he will finally understand but I don't know how that is gonna go down and I certainly don't want to be in person when it happens. I love him but...maybe he doesn't need to know, maybe that's for the best? To just try and move on and be ok, even tho that's only going to work if I stay away from him.
Tho he hates it when I play the silent treatment or don't make eye contact. He'll bug me until I do something and then he'll smile so wide and it makes me want to kiss his pretty little face all over. Sometimes he'll tuck my hair behind my ear and leave his hand there and it's so comforting except for my heart that feels like it's going a thousand miles per second. We play fight a lot and we call each other a lot of funny names like the one right now where he calls me "LingLing" and I call him "LingLing's Shit" plz don't take that as racist, he's okay with it.
Today I feel like he was checking me out and I'm really nervous because if he was oh my God...that makes me want to jump a thousand rainbows😁. He's so cute, adorable and sexy af. The way he rubs his neck when he's talking to me or the way he plays with his hair is honestly the sexiest thing I have ever seen.
Love, DiamondsForYouLove✌❤
