Thoughts

Self-love

I have problems with my self-esteem, especially regarding my looks. Everybody does.

I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate my small hands and narrow hips and frizzy hair.

"But you're so pretty?!"

"Don't say that, you're gorgeous!"

Kind words are just that: words. No matter what angle and what light I look at my face in, I still think "hate". No matter what clothes I wear or how I stand in the mirror, I still despise this body I was born in.

Hate, despise, these words seem strong. And maybe they are. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, for those many days I wake up and feel nothing but resentful towards myself for my looks.

Sometimes, I will look in the mirror and think, "damn, I look good today." There are days when I look at myself, or a picture of myself, and smile because, 'hey, I look good in that one." Because there are always days when the things we hate, that bother us, seem not so bad for a while.

But those days are few, and seem far in between. No, I don't want to change my face. I'll keep it, because even though I look in the mirror some days with nothing but the word "ugly" running through my head, it's my "ugly" face, and I'm keeping it.

There are some people that seem to always feel good about themselves. And I know that the "remedy" to my self-hate is "just one step of not-giving-a-fuck" away, but I can't. I'll always see a pretty girl, a gorgeous model, a fellow classmate, and think "I'll never look like that." I can't help covering my face when somebody wants to take a picture.

And I don't know how to stop.

Because self-love is just one step away. But that step is a thousand miles long, a hole filled with doubt and second-thoughts and years of self-hate.

And as I stand here, looking into the abyss, and see the other side, I can't help but take a step back. Because here is safe, here is familiar, and while the other side is full of love and happiness, the step seems too daunting a task. And so here I stay, not by choice but through fear and learned habits, because I do still have those days when I feel like I'm on that other side, like I do truly love who I am and what skin I wear.

This may seem ridiculous to people who took that step just like every other one on that walk of life. So I'll give a metaphor:

Imagine this. You moved into your first house. It's cheap, it's a little bit of a commute to your work, but it's yours damnit and your proud of finally owning your own place.

There's one problem. There's this one wall, a wall at the entrance to the house, that is the most disgusting shade of yellow you've ever seen.

But until you have the means to buy paint, set up the room to be painted, and actually get to painting it, the hideous yellow color will remain.

It's a part of the house, and you grow used to it. However, you can't seem to pass it without cringing.

"It adds character," your mom says.

"I like it," says a friend, who has visited so many times now that they pass the wall without a second glance.

But you just can't seem to get over it. The wall is a color that you simply don't like. But the excuses for not changing it keep piling up. "I need to work all the time to afford the place, I can't waste time on that." "I don't even know how to properly paint a wall, and I don't want to impose on somebody." "I would need to move all of the furniture out of here. Where would any of this even go?"

Some days, you can walk past it and smile. It's a part of your house, after all. And you love this house.

Other days, you can't help but move up close to it, a small frown on your face. There's a chip there, and the paint is faded in this one spot. You walk away, an unpleasant feeling in your chest.

And so your feelings about the wall remain mixed, but the wall never gets painted.

My face and my body are that gross yellow wall. I hate the blemishes, the redness, my habit of picking at my skin with the thoughts "hate hate hate" running through my head.

Because I know "I should stop scratching at it" and all of the "advice" to get blemishes to go away. But that doesn't stop the "ugly, gross, hideous" thoughts from running through my head when somebody looks at me for too long. I can't stop the pause I take when looking at a mirror, or how sometimes I won't even look up because I'm afraid of those hateful thoughts running through my head when I see something I don't like

And I know my happiness is "just a step away". I know that the "secret" to self love is accepting yourself and your flaws. But that doesn't make it any easier to look past them, to see them as anything other than "ugly". That doesn't make the bad thoughts go away.

I just hope someday, I'll have the willpower to make them go away.