why?

february 1st, 2019

22:50pm

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'why?'

is the question i ask myself these days.

you're probably wondering what's this for, well, i just needed something to write in and publish to.. to just rethink my thoughts.

i honestly don't know why.

i feel worthless, stupid and hated.

it's true.

many people hate me at school.

because i'm annoying, stubborn, an attention seeker and so on.

my friends tell me these things, about what other people say about me, and they ask me,

"are you okay?"

no.

"yeah. i'm okay, you know i don't give a shit about what others say about me." i laugh it off.

"hehe, just checking. good to know you aren't hurt."

of course i was hurt, the whole time.

i just didn't say anything. 

i cry easily. i'm short tempered. i have anger issues. i get irritated so easily. i don't even understand why i'm shouting half of the time.

i don't understand myself.

i don't like myself.

so many people dislike, no, hate me.

i.. i just don't understand.

i don't understand what i did wrong.

i don't understand what i did to make them hate me.

i know i don't my mind my own business.

i get myself into other people's to help them.

maybe i should stop caring about others who aren't even my friends.

who don't even care that i'm trying to help.

but i can never do that.

i just can't.

sometimes, at night, when i'm about to fall asleep, i cry.

i cry my eyes out.

crying because i know everyone will never stop hating me.

crying because i know i'm not good enough.

crying because i'm worthless.

don't you ever hate those moments after you're done crying and you just sit there emotionless?

like there's nothing left in your body.

no emotion.

no soul.

that's how i feel.

it's slowly getting to me.

i'm trying to fight it.

every thought is a battle, every breath is a war and i don't think i'm winning anymore.

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