My depression has ADHD.

I am two in one.

I am two in one

at home i am calm and reserved 

when i step out my journey begins 

i put a smile on my face as i walk into school, greeting my friends. 

i do my work, get good grades, and laugh along with my friends.

im not funny, why do they laugh at me?

i get home and i return back to my room where i spend the rest of the night, only coming out for dinner.

and then i repeat the same cycle.

i feel robotic.

its always the same, i feel like im not even living.

like this is just a game, a simulation, once i finish ill be done.

i feel like im not living, im just breathing. 

my thoughts dont feel like my own, my movements seem unfamiliar.

my writing isnt mine, my laugh is strange, i feel like im watching someone live out their life. 

when i get hurt it brings me back to myself temporarily. 

the pain shocks me back to normal for a few days.

then it starts back up again.

i feel like im floating above my head witnessing. 

im not myself.

i put up my mask of being interested and happy. 

but as i return to my house it leaves as quick as it came. 

my alternate me gets flipped on when i see my first person. 

im truly me alone, writing on my stupid computer drowning in my own self pity. 

i think i might have a few issues. 

i dont know what to do, everyone in my life has assumed that ive gotten better since last time.

im not

i think its worse.

im getting the urge to hurt myself again, and its hard not to even though ive promised so many i wouldnt.

im supposed to be strong and happy, im supposed to be the girl who got better.

ive been in denial of my mental state.

it feels like theres a wall in my brain.

i cant seem to break the wall and experience emotion when im alone.

i just cant move forward. 

its a mental block stopping me from feeling content. 

its always there, i cant get rid of it. 

ive ignored it since November, but its getting harder.

the walls getting thicker and taller.

i really need to hurt myself again, but i really dont want to.

im lost, confused, and have an overwhelming feeling of nothing in my heart.

i feel so guilty that i feel this way, i get so much love and care but feel none of it. 

i feel like such an asshole. 

i know my parents love me, but my heart doesnt believe it.

im so ashamed that i dont feel okay.

its so annoying that with support i cant feel okay,

you know that wall im talking about?

it only comes down when im sad.

i feel the tears flow over the wall and flood my eyes.

but it doesnt give me emotional release, crying hasnt released my emotions since i was eleven. 

i dont know whats wrong with me.